Floating Leaf Paperplane

Universe doesn't allow me to be happy.
Tuesday, November 28, 2023 // back to top?

Today, no matter how much I tried, it's just hard to find reason to be grateful.

Life has been knocking me real hard, and I swear I have tried my best to find things to be grateful for, and accepting things no matter how bad it was.

I got home sick from India, got confessed by Mutrin while he cries, had conflict talk with Lui and Bob again, and finally when I thought I can send Jin some gifts that I genuinely prepare, there was a mistake in writing his address. After all efforts, DHL India just stated to Jin that the package won't be delivered to me.

I have cried a lot. I faced my emotions, I cried in shower. I felt alone, and embraced that loneliness while trying to find comfort. Even when I was sad, I did my best. I did my best to find safe place and even tried to find the light. I tried to find the lessons its trying to teach me. But to be honest I don't understand what it's trying to tell or teach me.

Is it that I have not quite a supportive circle? Is it karma? Something that I need to carefully look upon, where I might have hurt others badly that I deserved all these? Is it about acceptance again? I thought I have learned how to accept things that are out of my control, but I beg God and universe to not dump all these trials all at once. I need time to process them all.

Crying in the shower when people are unavailable, crying after I hang up the call knowing the package probably won't arrive to Jin's place, crying because I can't with talking it out with my mom, I am so tired of crying and still feel alone. I know I got my mom who tried to support me too, I am really thankful, but I wish I have friends circle who would go all the way to accompany me. But then again, have I did the same to them? It might be because I mostly never did that to my friends. Did I? I can't remember.

At this point instead of learning how to accept, I keep wondering what are my mistakes. What are the mistakes that requires redemptions? Is this how I'm gonna "pay" for the mistakes I did? I haven't even learn what's the lesson is. I don't know what I did wrong. I thought I have done so well handling the previous problems by standing up for myself. But this is too much. It's too heavy and I feel lonely.

I feel like it really is better if I was all alone. I don't like it, but having hopes that people will care about me, or hoping that I can give people my best is beyond trying. I wish I can just die, but I want to do my best. But I swear it's so tiring.

Like now, I told Jin I wanted to show him the gifts I was sending him, I told him it'll cheer me a bit, but then he decided to play with someone else. Not that I won't allow him to do it, but it's just... sad....

I wanted comfort.... I need comfort, I need support. I want to collapse and just... disappear.

Maybe soon.
Monday, September 4, 2023 // back to top?

I've been through so many down episodes. Trying to hold myself not to do something stupid as in killing myself. It's tiring, I feel so alone. I tried reaching out to some people but I don't know why the timing has always been bad. Mostly people are unavailable to accompany me when I have urges to do self-harm or kill myself.

I self-harmed quite a lot this time. The scars were quite obvious and it's deeper than the ones I ever did. Not that deep, but compared to before it's quite deeper.

And despite making it through, I didn't feel accomplished. I feel lonelier than ever. I know really well I can never be anyone's priority, and I don't trust people enough to be 100% vulnerable saying "hey I'm thinking of dying, can you help accompany me?"

I tend to beat around the bush by saying something like "I'm having urges and intrusive thoughts, can you help distract my mind?". I don't know if that's not a good enough of sos call. I'm tired, I don't know how to communicate well. I don't know how to ask for a good help.

Especially when they're having so much fun during my dark calls, I don't think I have the right to disturb their happy time just to be in the negative zone where I am. I'm so tired, I don't know what to do to stop myself from hurting myself.

I don't know how to ask for help without burdening the other party. I feel lonely, but I am tired of making efforts knowing the frequency isn't the same. I am tired I am tired I am soooo tired of trying.

I don't feel like anyone is actually genuinely care about me, and I don't have the capacity to love myself too. When people say to love yourself before wanting to receive love for others, I don't think such day will come. I don't think I deserve anything good, and if I want anything it's actually to end my life. I don't to feel horrible just for existing hoping someone will prioritize me like how I prioritize their happiness. Even when it's without me.

I feel like it's better if I slowly fade away from the circle, not asking help anymore. Keeping the conversation on the surface, never really open up to anyone anymore. I wish my mental is strong enough to keep this all myself. I've been doing it for years, I thought just a few more years would be nice. I keep thinking of writing suicide notes. I don't think anyone will mourn for too long, they're used to live without me anyway. I want to be gone and I hope no one remembers me. I hope no one mourns over me, I hope they all continue to have fun without me. Hope they don't have to feel sorry for me anymore, no need to feel the dilemma whether if they should sacrifice their fun or peace just to assure me that things are going to be okay. When I know it's not.

I hope people will forget about me when I'm gone, I hope they continue their daily life.

I really wish they didn't meet me at the first place. I wish I never really contribute any existence in their life. I am so tired. I am sooooo tired and exhausted. I never asked to be born.

Big realization
Monday, November 16, 2020 // back to top?

Hi there, I still never thought I'd get back to this blog again.

To recap what had passed since COVID19 started, it's been 8 months since I last met Wataru. Dad still stays in Bali too. We had so many ups and downs as we all three stayed at home. I'm back to counselling again, and I'm doing pretty well to keep doing sport regularly every week/month (even though my body weight doesn't really change....)

Grandpa's lunch routine has been changed to some kind of catering. So he would come to our house at 11:30 to pick up his lunch. He hasn't been visiting our house for a long chat ever since.

Last Friday, 13th of November, grandpa told us that he wants to come to our house to "talk about something". Ku Watin also came together with grandpa. To be honest, the day before, I told bro that I actually don't want to attend the talk. I feel like the atmosphere will be heavy, and my mental health hasn't been doing well for the past weeks. I want to distance myself from anything sensitive. But bro told me, grandpa wanted to talk about mom and dad. He thought dad isn't coming home because he has problems with mom (when actually, there is no problem at all).

I knew the feeling of holding everything to myself, to the point that I couldn't sleep due to stress. So I thought, okay, I'll spend a bit of time to hear him talk.

I'm still questioning myself whether if attending the talk is a mistake or not.

The talk began as Ku Watin talked about grandpa's condition. He said, just say what you want to say to us. None of us will take it to heart, we are actually grateful to hear from you. I felt pretty scared to hear my thoughts being represented as what it wasn't. I'm actually scared of listening to people's thoughts.

And I think my intuition was right. The talk started with grandpa telling that it is not okay to live without purpose. He said, his purpose wasn't for money; he had to make money in order to live. Me and bro is now living in an "enough" luxury. We can do whatever we want without having to worry much. And again, the cursed words, "make the things you enjoy your job."
He used the term "kuli" as an example. He said, "If you like working as kuli, then come to the factory and work as kuli. It's that simple!". I was actually offended because I used to work as a teacher, a more "decent" job compared to kuli. But he literally told me to stop working under someone else and make my own drawing studio. And now? He was even okay with us being kuli??

I was feeling quite troubled with how the conversation is heading to, but I was even more stressed as grandpa suddenly made a turn to me, with a very serious face (I almost never seen him in this face, he was all smiling as he talked to bro and me before this), asking me "When will you get married with wataru?"

I knew the talk will not go in the way he wanted. I told him, we do plan to marry but I don't want to hurry things. I am okay with marrying late, and as grandpa said, it's our life, we should do what makes us happy. For me, not hurrying marriage is what makes me feel happy.

He cut my words quite continuously, saying "But still, if you like each other, then go marry! Also, what is he doing now?". I told him, wataru is working to make money as his savings to go to Indonesia. Grandpa was not amused, asking me what will he do when he comes to Indonesia. I also told him, that we both have plans about working together. And he cut me again, to say such a very harsh thing. "If he doesn't have a job, if even the only thing he can do is become tukang becak, then be a tukang becak!"

I was speechless and shocked. I mean, I told him we have plans. The plans even have something to do with us being the owner of our own company. And now he belittles us like this? My hands were very shaky and I told him "But he is now working his best in Japan, and we do have plans!" But he turned his head to bro and talked about other things I couldn't remember. I was very very hurt, I know grandpa and ku watin don't like wataru, but to underestimate us like this...?

I kept lowering my head because I was holding my tears. Aaah I knew it I shouldn't have joined this conversation.

I managed to keep my tears and laughed at whatever grandpa and uncle said. Grandpa kept saying that I have to rely on Ku watin regarding my job. I must see how amazing Ku Watin and his son is. I need to follow them and make connections.

I can't feel even more disappointed than this. I worked my ass off EXACTLY as how grandpa and parents told me to. I need a graduation certificate? I continued going to school and graduated. But it's not enough! You need to have a job! I searched for jobs, got disqualified a few times, but I made it. I got a job in a Japanese company. As I do, the family kept telling me, why don't I work in Indonesia? Look at your grandpa, he's old, he misses you. Because of that, I fall in deeper depression, got expelled from the job.

Good, I'm going back to Indonesia, but got the chance to work in Bali. As a teacher.

I was happy. It was hard and underpaid but it was a great experience. But guess what, grandpa, Ku Watin and bro told me it's better if I go back to Surabaya because working under people's company was not good enough. I need to be the boss, I should not waste my graduation degree by becoming JUST a teacher.

I stopped continuing my contract and go back to Surabaya. I work as a freelance. It was going okay. Not so good, but not too bad. Yet, grandpa kept asking why haven't I make an office and just hire people to work? Why haven't you got friends? When? When? When??? When will you be the person I want you to be?????

Friday, 13th November 2020. Is the day I realized that I will never be enough for my family.

My job, my life choices, my boyfriend, the way I choose not to engage with lots of friends. Everything is actually not the way my family wants me to be.

Actually, it might be a chance for me to vent everything out to mom. The things I've been holding inside, I told it all to mom after grandpa went home. I'm so fed up of having to do anything to make my family's name stays "clean". I'm so fed up having to hold down everything I need to say because we need to respect and listen to elders. Does that mean, I need to wait until I'm 70 years old until anyone can listen to what I say?

It's not like I actually do drugs, or smoke, or going to a night club or do any illegal things. I am just normally lost. Why do I have to bear such a heavy weight just because I'm the eldest of both family?
Ku Watin also told me, just do the things that make you happy! Don't think anything else!

Really? So that you and grandpa can judge me again?

Ku Watin used to be the only uncle I can trust, I can't believe I'm being backstabbed like this. Grandpa too, I am doing everything, anything since middle-high school to make them proud and happy. But is this what they want me to be? The avatar of the person that they can't become?

After talking to mom, to be honest, I feel like a huge load of weight has been lifted off. I feel like my relation with mom has been levelled up and I'm glad. But the echo of my grandpa and uncle's words silently echoes in my mind. I've been very disturbed since then.

I dreamed of the sky suddenly went really dark and my body felt so heavy that I fell down on my way to the kitchen. I asked for help faintly but mom and bro can't do anything. I thought this might be the end of the world. Will I die like this? And slowly my breath got a lot heavier to the point it stopped. I was trying to let it go that I'm actually dying. But I opened my eyes to sleep paralysis. I never have sleep paralysis the past months, it made me realize how stressed I'm actually is.

I'm still having a hard time to process everything that happened. I'm so confused.

I know I can just live my life the way I want now because anything I do won't make my family happy. But at the same time, I've been living this way since I-don't-remember-when. I feel like I'm dying. I feel like I've wasted my whole life in the sake of my family, but it turned out as a very bad mistake.

I'm hoping these were all nightmare.

I feel so confused, lost, angry and sad. Can't this year get any better?

Reality vs The-sick-me
Tuesday, August 18, 2020 // back to top?

I think I have been able to stay away from depression for the last month. It feels weird.
I tried to be honest with my feelings and let things flow as it is. Maybe that's what it means to be kind to ourselves. There are times when I got tripped and feel sad, mad, confused all over again. I tried to pick myself up by posting cheerful things in my main twitter. It honestly made me happy when people told me I'm a cheerful and positive person. Sometimes it feels.... somewhat sad? but I tried to pick the good things.

I still think about death and dying on daily basis. Something like, it would be a lot easier if I don't have to deal with all these. I still hope I'd rather be gone. I do daily things but tbh it doesn't really went well. My diet is not stable, I've been rejected in all of my job applications, and my art skill improvement doesn't went well too.

I'm in the sense of needing to rush everything. I want to see results in order for me to like myself more, and it made me feel so impatient during the process. I feel tired most of the time too.

Lately I just come to realized that I'm actually a very lonesome person? I want to talk to someone all the time. I want them to pay attention to me, and sadly I don't feel like my need is fulfilled enough. I feel like I'm a hypocrite, I want to strangle myself so much when I feel this way.

With this virus thing going on, I've became so sensitive at mom's "wash this wash that dry this in the sun wipe this wipe that". I know what to do, I know what I have to do at least. But listening to that everyday, tbh, I feel like puking. I know she's stressed too. But I am fed up with the nag too.

I don't know. Have I gotten away from my depression? Am I still there? Is this the way I think? Is this how rotten my mind and heart really is??


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