Follow me
into the chrysanthemum tea ♥
あたしには あなただけよ...
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あたしには あなただけよ...
テレビに映っていた場所は（青空がきれいだった）Xindi. ( Art is my life ) twenty twelve nineteen ninety three.
今でも何処かにあって（早く 見つけてほしい）
涙こらえながら
現実に迷いながら
探しているの 次のドアを・・・
F i n d m e
3 years later and I'm back here. To sum it up, I went to another therapy, got diagnosed with BPD, and went through a lot of suicide attempts but wow I'm still here.
I started 2026 feeling very hopeful. I ended up 2025 with my grandpa passing away in the morning of my birthday. It was very traumatic, ngl. I even had a fight with mom regarding a lot of things. It's more like, I wish she can be a lot more understanding how I planned on having a trip on my birthday, yet she insisted on joining. Yet she complained about the hotel, and upon knowing grandpa passed away on my birthday, she asked me to buy tickets and stuffs. I was disappointed.
January, I wrecked my elbow. 2 broken bones and shattered elbow. My nerve was damaged too and even now as I type, my ring and pinky fingers are still half numb. The recovery was hell. I had to handle things mostly by myself despite the limitations I had. Again, I was disappointed knowing even when I'm sick physically, I still was not taken seriously.
June, I tried doing job on translation with a team from Japan in MLBB. Long story short, lend money because I wanted to support, but abused mentally during the bootcamp. Money wasn't returned for months, hence there was drama in X and the chaos it caused was tbh totally not worth it. In the end, my friend and her husband also make a big fuss even though all of this money-lending case happened because I wanted to help them get their salary first. I felt stupid for letting this happen. I could've just turn down everything and live my life peacefully I guess.
October, went to Singapore for family check up. I didn't want to go with family, I'd rather have check up myself. As expected, I exploded again, blamed everyone, even caused Jin to ghosted me for days. I don't know what to do anymore. I really hope I can end my life soon. I need the courage to end this soon. I beg universe, I'm very tired of hurting people and feeling hurt daily too.
I'm begging whatever there is above me to stop all this. I want it all to end. No one can understand and I am not good at explaining things. I don't even know how to read compas or how to read the stars and I felt so fucking lost. I'm running out of energy and ideas and I genuinely wish I can disappear. I don't want to continue life feeling hopeful and to fall down another day again.
I don't have anyone to save me. I cannot even save myself. Please end all these. Please let me rest.