Floating Leaf Paperplane

Universe doesn't allow me to be happy.
Tuesday, November 28, 2023 // back to top?

Today, no matter how much I tried, it's just hard to find reason to be grateful.

Life has been knocking me real hard, and I swear I have tried my best to find things to be grateful for, and accepting things no matter how bad it was.

I got home sick from India, got confessed by Mutrin while he cries, had conflict talk with Lui and Bob again, and finally when I thought I can send Jin some gifts that I genuinely prepare, there was a mistake in writing his address. After all efforts, DHL India just stated to Jin that the package won't be delivered to me.

I have cried a lot. I faced my emotions, I cried in shower. I felt alone, and embraced that loneliness while trying to find comfort. Even when I was sad, I did my best. I did my best to find safe place and even tried to find the light. I tried to find the lessons its trying to teach me. But to be honest I don't understand what it's trying to tell or teach me.

Is it that I have not quite a supportive circle? Is it karma? Something that I need to carefully look upon, where I might have hurt others badly that I deserved all these? Is it about acceptance again? I thought I have learned how to accept things that are out of my control, but I beg God and universe to not dump all these trials all at once. I need time to process them all.

Crying in the shower when people are unavailable, crying after I hang up the call knowing the package probably won't arrive to Jin's place, crying because I can't with talking it out with my mom, I am so tired of crying and still feel alone. I know I got my mom who tried to support me too, I am really thankful, but I wish I have friends circle who would go all the way to accompany me. But then again, have I did the same to them? It might be because I mostly never did that to my friends. Did I? I can't remember.

At this point instead of learning how to accept, I keep wondering what are my mistakes. What are the mistakes that requires redemptions? Is this how I'm gonna "pay" for the mistakes I did? I haven't even learn what's the lesson is. I don't know what I did wrong. I thought I have done so well handling the previous problems by standing up for myself. But this is too much. It's too heavy and I feel lonely.

I feel like it really is better if I was all alone. I don't like it, but having hopes that people will care about me, or hoping that I can give people my best is beyond trying. I wish I can just die, but I want to do my best. But I swear it's so tiring.

Like now, I told Jin I wanted to show him the gifts I was sending him, I told him it'll cheer me a bit, but then he decided to play with someone else. Not that I won't allow him to do it, but it's just... sad....

I wanted comfort.... I need comfort, I need support. I want to collapse and just... disappear.


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