Floating Leaf Paperplane

Maybe soon.
Monday, September 4, 2023 // back to top?

I've been through so many down episodes. Trying to hold myself not to do something stupid as in killing myself. It's tiring, I feel so alone. I tried reaching out to some people but I don't know why the timing has always been bad. Mostly people are unavailable to accompany me when I have urges to do self-harm or kill myself.

I self-harmed quite a lot this time. The scars were quite obvious and it's deeper than the ones I ever did. Not that deep, but compared to before it's quite deeper.

And despite making it through, I didn't feel accomplished. I feel lonelier than ever. I know really well I can never be anyone's priority, and I don't trust people enough to be 100% vulnerable saying "hey I'm thinking of dying, can you help accompany me?"

I tend to beat around the bush by saying something like "I'm having urges and intrusive thoughts, can you help distract my mind?". I don't know if that's not a good enough of sos call. I'm tired, I don't know how to communicate well. I don't know how to ask for a good help.

Especially when they're having so much fun during my dark calls, I don't think I have the right to disturb their happy time just to be in the negative zone where I am. I'm so tired, I don't know what to do to stop myself from hurting myself.

I don't know how to ask for help without burdening the other party. I feel lonely, but I am tired of making efforts knowing the frequency isn't the same. I am tired I am tired I am soooo tired of trying.

I don't feel like anyone is actually genuinely care about me, and I don't have the capacity to love myself too. When people say to love yourself before wanting to receive love for others, I don't think such day will come. I don't think I deserve anything good, and if I want anything it's actually to end my life. I don't to feel horrible just for existing hoping someone will prioritize me like how I prioritize their happiness. Even when it's without me.

I feel like it's better if I slowly fade away from the circle, not asking help anymore. Keeping the conversation on the surface, never really open up to anyone anymore. I wish my mental is strong enough to keep this all myself. I've been doing it for years, I thought just a few more years would be nice. I keep thinking of writing suicide notes. I don't think anyone will mourn for too long, they're used to live without me anyway. I want to be gone and I hope no one remembers me. I hope no one mourns over me, I hope they all continue to have fun without me. Hope they don't have to feel sorry for me anymore, no need to feel the dilemma whether if they should sacrifice their fun or peace just to assure me that things are going to be okay. When I know it's not.

I hope people will forget about me when I'm gone, I hope they continue their daily life.

I really wish they didn't meet me at the first place. I wish I never really contribute any existence in their life. I am so tired. I am sooooo tired and exhausted. I never asked to be born.


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