Floating Leaf Paperplane

Big realization
Monday, November 16, 2020 // back to top?

Hi there, I still never thought I'd get back to this blog again.

To recap what had passed since COVID19 started, it's been 8 months since I last met Wataru. Dad still stays in Bali too. We had so many ups and downs as we all three stayed at home. I'm back to counselling again, and I'm doing pretty well to keep doing sport regularly every week/month (even though my body weight doesn't really change....)

Grandpa's lunch routine has been changed to some kind of catering. So he would come to our house at 11:30 to pick up his lunch. He hasn't been visiting our house for a long chat ever since.

Last Friday, 13th of November, grandpa told us that he wants to come to our house to "talk about something". Ku Watin also came together with grandpa. To be honest, the day before, I told bro that I actually don't want to attend the talk. I feel like the atmosphere will be heavy, and my mental health hasn't been doing well for the past weeks. I want to distance myself from anything sensitive. But bro told me, grandpa wanted to talk about mom and dad. He thought dad isn't coming home because he has problems with mom (when actually, there is no problem at all).

I knew the feeling of holding everything to myself, to the point that I couldn't sleep due to stress. So I thought, okay, I'll spend a bit of time to hear him talk.

I'm still questioning myself whether if attending the talk is a mistake or not.

The talk began as Ku Watin talked about grandpa's condition. He said, just say what you want to say to us. None of us will take it to heart, we are actually grateful to hear from you. I felt pretty scared to hear my thoughts being represented as what it wasn't. I'm actually scared of listening to people's thoughts.

And I think my intuition was right. The talk started with grandpa telling that it is not okay to live without purpose. He said, his purpose wasn't for money; he had to make money in order to live. Me and bro is now living in an "enough" luxury. We can do whatever we want without having to worry much. And again, the cursed words, "make the things you enjoy your job."
He used the term "kuli" as an example. He said, "If you like working as kuli, then come to the factory and work as kuli. It's that simple!". I was actually offended because I used to work as a teacher, a more "decent" job compared to kuli. But he literally told me to stop working under someone else and make my own drawing studio. And now? He was even okay with us being kuli??

I was feeling quite troubled with how the conversation is heading to, but I was even more stressed as grandpa suddenly made a turn to me, with a very serious face (I almost never seen him in this face, he was all smiling as he talked to bro and me before this), asking me "When will you get married with wataru?"

I knew the talk will not go in the way he wanted. I told him, we do plan to marry but I don't want to hurry things. I am okay with marrying late, and as grandpa said, it's our life, we should do what makes us happy. For me, not hurrying marriage is what makes me feel happy.

He cut my words quite continuously, saying "But still, if you like each other, then go marry! Also, what is he doing now?". I told him, wataru is working to make money as his savings to go to Indonesia. Grandpa was not amused, asking me what will he do when he comes to Indonesia. I also told him, that we both have plans about working together. And he cut me again, to say such a very harsh thing. "If he doesn't have a job, if even the only thing he can do is become tukang becak, then be a tukang becak!"

I was speechless and shocked. I mean, I told him we have plans. The plans even have something to do with us being the owner of our own company. And now he belittles us like this? My hands were very shaky and I told him "But he is now working his best in Japan, and we do have plans!" But he turned his head to bro and talked about other things I couldn't remember. I was very very hurt, I know grandpa and ku watin don't like wataru, but to underestimate us like this...?

I kept lowering my head because I was holding my tears. Aaah I knew it I shouldn't have joined this conversation.

I managed to keep my tears and laughed at whatever grandpa and uncle said. Grandpa kept saying that I have to rely on Ku watin regarding my job. I must see how amazing Ku Watin and his son is. I need to follow them and make connections.

I can't feel even more disappointed than this. I worked my ass off EXACTLY as how grandpa and parents told me to. I need a graduation certificate? I continued going to school and graduated. But it's not enough! You need to have a job! I searched for jobs, got disqualified a few times, but I made it. I got a job in a Japanese company. As I do, the family kept telling me, why don't I work in Indonesia? Look at your grandpa, he's old, he misses you. Because of that, I fall in deeper depression, got expelled from the job.

Good, I'm going back to Indonesia, but got the chance to work in Bali. As a teacher.

I was happy. It was hard and underpaid but it was a great experience. But guess what, grandpa, Ku Watin and bro told me it's better if I go back to Surabaya because working under people's company was not good enough. I need to be the boss, I should not waste my graduation degree by becoming JUST a teacher.

I stopped continuing my contract and go back to Surabaya. I work as a freelance. It was going okay. Not so good, but not too bad. Yet, grandpa kept asking why haven't I make an office and just hire people to work? Why haven't you got friends? When? When? When??? When will you be the person I want you to be?????

Friday, 13th November 2020. Is the day I realized that I will never be enough for my family.

My job, my life choices, my boyfriend, the way I choose not to engage with lots of friends. Everything is actually not the way my family wants me to be.

Actually, it might be a chance for me to vent everything out to mom. The things I've been holding inside, I told it all to mom after grandpa went home. I'm so fed up of having to do anything to make my family's name stays "clean". I'm so fed up having to hold down everything I need to say because we need to respect and listen to elders. Does that mean, I need to wait until I'm 70 years old until anyone can listen to what I say?

It's not like I actually do drugs, or smoke, or going to a night club or do any illegal things. I am just normally lost. Why do I have to bear such a heavy weight just because I'm the eldest of both family?
Ku Watin also told me, just do the things that make you happy! Don't think anything else!

Really? So that you and grandpa can judge me again?

Ku Watin used to be the only uncle I can trust, I can't believe I'm being backstabbed like this. Grandpa too, I am doing everything, anything since middle-high school to make them proud and happy. But is this what they want me to be? The avatar of the person that they can't become?

After talking to mom, to be honest, I feel like a huge load of weight has been lifted off. I feel like my relation with mom has been levelled up and I'm glad. But the echo of my grandpa and uncle's words silently echoes in my mind. I've been very disturbed since then.

I dreamed of the sky suddenly went really dark and my body felt so heavy that I fell down on my way to the kitchen. I asked for help faintly but mom and bro can't do anything. I thought this might be the end of the world. Will I die like this? And slowly my breath got a lot heavier to the point it stopped. I was trying to let it go that I'm actually dying. But I opened my eyes to sleep paralysis. I never have sleep paralysis the past months, it made me realize how stressed I'm actually is.

I'm still having a hard time to process everything that happened. I'm so confused.

I know I can just live my life the way I want now because anything I do won't make my family happy. But at the same time, I've been living this way since I-don't-remember-when. I feel like I'm dying. I feel like I've wasted my whole life in the sake of my family, but it turned out as a very bad mistake.

I'm hoping these were all nightmare.

I feel so confused, lost, angry and sad. Can't this year get any better?


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