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F i n d m e

Xindi. ( Art is my life ) twenty twelve nineteen ninety three.
I believe in fairy tales and dreams. I believe they're meant to be true in my life..

Reality vs The-sick-me
Tuesday, August 18, 2020 // back to top?

I think I have been able to stay away from depression for the last month. It feels weird.
I tried to be honest with my feelings and let things flow as it is. Maybe that's what it means to be kind to ourselves. There are times when I got tripped and feel sad, mad, confused all over again. I tried to pick myself up by posting cheerful things in my main twitter. It honestly made me happy when people told me I'm a cheerful and positive person. Sometimes it feels.... somewhat sad? but I tried to pick the good things.

I still think about death and dying on daily basis. Something like, it would be a lot easier if I don't have to deal with all these. I still hope I'd rather be gone. I do daily things but tbh it doesn't really went well. My diet is not stable, I've been rejected in all of my job applications, and my art skill improvement doesn't went well too.

I'm in the sense of needing to rush everything. I want to see results in order for me to like myself more, and it made me feel so impatient during the process. I feel tired most of the time too.

Lately I just come to realized that I'm actually a very lonesome person? I want to talk to someone all the time. I want them to pay attention to me, and sadly I don't feel like my need is fulfilled enough. I feel like I'm a hypocrite, I want to strangle myself so much when I feel this way.

With this virus thing going on, I've became so sensitive at mom's "wash this wash that dry this in the sun wipe this wipe that". I know what to do, I know what I have to do at least. But listening to that everyday, tbh, I feel like puking. I know she's stressed too. But I am fed up with the nag too.

I don't know. Have I gotten away from my depression? Am I still there? Is this the way I think? Is this how rotten my mind and heart really is??

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