あたしには あなただけよ...

テレビに映っていた場所は（青空がきれいだった）
今でも何処かにあって（早く　見つけてほしい）
涙こらえながら
現実に迷いながら
探しているの　次のドアを・・・
F i n d m e

Xindi. ( Art is my life ) twenty twelve nineteen ninety three.
I believe in fairy tales and dreams. I believe they're meant to be true in my life..

Tried to function normally.
Monday, February 3, 2020 // back to top?

Been going to a psychologist lately.

I had my answers (sort of)
Now I know why I feel lonely most of the time (which was said that lack of love as a child was the cause), and mostly now I know how to deal with the feeling of being ignored.

I've been functioning quite well so far.
But I don't know why I feel quite empty... and a bit sad lately.

Honestly, I don't get my own ideal of being in peace with myself. I wanted to get back with Wataru but I don't really fond of the idea of getting married. But on the other hand, I want to get married.
I don't care if Wataru got a job or not, I feel like I can take care of our relationship economically, but I don't think it's that easy.

I brushed the thought off my mind, most of the time. I mean, I can't find any solution no matter how much I think about it. So, I might as well don't think about it at all.

My job, I started selling goods with my mascots, Toast and Toaster. It doesn't really get along well due to some hectic start (and arguments with my family and such, talked about it all to my psychologist already). I am focusing on exposure for now, but to be honest I feel quite sad. It's like, my very best doesn't really lead me anywhere.

I feel lonely. I just want a good company but I don't know how to get or make one.

I want to take some vacation, but my pets made me worry. Economically I am also worried because I'm using my parents' money all the time.

Dad was home for several months, but the other day he told me he's leaving but he mentioned none about his destination, or when will he come back.
I'm quite tired of this situation. I don't feel happy, I worry most of the time. The idea of being unsure makes me feel frustrated.

I want to get away from all of these.

Maybe all I need was rest. I don't know whether it means to rest or "rest", but I know I'm so tired. I get so many flashbacks lately and I eager to go back to the time I was happy and free.

I thought I was okay. Maybe not.

힘 겹 지 않 아 요



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