Follow me
into the chrysanthemum tea ♥
あたしには あなただけよ...
Disappointed.
Thursday, March 22, 2018 // back to top?
It's been about 2 weeks after my bf moved to my house, and a week after my graduation. Mom and bro went to my graduation and I spent a week being their tour guide.
My depression issues haven't gotten any better. It went worse, instead.
I felt everything I had in me gradually decreasing. I feel so lost more than I ever be.
I've always wanted to live together with my bf but I never thought it ended up with him moving into my current place. I felt so uneasy since I felt like, someone went INTO my privacy. I mean, I didn't think it'd be this tiring. Maybe it's because I never had any strong personality base, that it made me feel weak when someone actually saw how messy my daily routine is.
Anyway, I also tried to rethink about how I see the values of my own family. I know my family wants me to see family as a priority. I've been taught to do so since I was born so of course, I had it in my blood. But lately, I feel like 'doing everything for my family' would be so close to giving my privacy to them. I feel so disturbed and unsafe.
I just had my graduation and I don't feel like telling it to anyone on the internet. I mean, I don't think it's something to be proud about. I felt ashame instead, so I told mom that I don't want anyone to know about this unless they're in our main family. Yet, I don't know. Maybe it's because she had spilled the bean so she thought that it's okay to spill more? She posted my photos AND my bf photos (and his fam, to be worse) ((my bf also doesn't want his face to be posted though)) without my permission and I am so mad, I'm so disappointed at her. Even though I've told her about how I felt, is this how she responded to it?
The last time she went to Japan, I also said I don't want to be in her instagram story videos because I don't feel like being shown in the media. But then the atmosphere got really bad as days passed, the reason might be because I kept getting angry at her for trying to get myself into the video.
Tell me, does this means I am selfish??
I gave in and I decided to let myself get captured in her video, that way she might enjoy the trip more, but idk. Maybe it was my fault anyway, I don't know what to say the more I type this...
Also, one thing I happened to found out was that mom gave out the christmas present I gave to her last year, to her friend just because she 'doesn't know what to give her friend (she ran out of time to buy her friend a gift).
I was so baffled. This was the second time she did this to me.
The first one was during the last 2 years' valentine. I bought cakes for dad, mom and granpa, one each. But then when grandpa had a meal in our house, he decided to take ALL the cakes, even the one I decided to gave to my parents. Yet, my mom said nothing.
But here's the thing, it's okay if she said 'yea, I decided to give it to your grandpa' but instead, she told me 'oh nooo grandpa took all of your cakes...!' and he said the same thing to dad too.
Dad's reaction was 'why didn't you told him that 2 of the cakes were supposed to be for us!?'
and mom was like, 'it's too late, we can't do anything about it.'
Honestly, I felt somehow like betrayed... I'm not one of the kids who can express themselves well to their parents, yet when I did, they would treat like my gifts didn't mean much to them.
This time, when mom told me that she gave out the perfume I got for her, I seriously got angry. I asked her 'again???? but that was a christmas present' and she just told me that she had no choice because there were no any new and presentable gift in the house.
I was taken back. I finally told myself I had enough. I felt so betrayed...
Anyways, that's how my thoughts wander a lot further than ever before. I had so many things to decide but I don't have the gut or belief in myself.
Ending my life feels like so close than ever before.
I am tired but I don't think like anyone or anything can heal me.
There are a lot more things I wanted to write but I'll come back once I untangle some part of it a little bit more.
I'm in the verge of vomitting now...