Follow me
into the chrysanthemum tea ♥
あたしには あなただけよ...
I'm tired.
Thursday, March 23, 2017 // back to top?
This is the worst that I've ever been in my life.
I can't explain well. I just want to be gone.
Not wanting to die, I just want to disappear.
Thinking about death lately and it scares me so much. I don't want to grow up, I don't want to be a proper adult. I'm afraid of getting old and dying.
I'm afraid living a dull, negative life yet I can't get myself out from this state.
I've been so negative towards everyone, and everything.
I get angry easily, I blame everything around me and myself. I feel like nothing is enough. Nothing fills me. I felt so empty and eager of everything which I can't name them properly.
I decided to be kind when my mom came to play to Japan, but I kept getting angry at her and made her said something she mustn't have. I disappoint her as a daughter, as a person.
I got the karma though. My boyfriend got mad at me quite few times since Spring holiday started. I know I'm ruining his life, and all I can say is 'sorry'.
And no matter how much I'd like to clean up this mess, all I could do is only to cover all these mess with the word 'sorry' and 'I love you'.
The word 'I love you' is so numb lately. Be it me the one who said it, or as the one who hears it.
I feel like the word is empty. But I don't know. I still want to be with him.
I've screwed too many life. I can't take the weight of all the guilt. They won't get away even after I've apologised.
I am so tired.
I feel like leaving this place, but going home doesn't make me safe, or feeling better than it is now.
It's so suffocating.
I lose the passion to draw, it's impossible.
I don't know what am I pursuing now.
If there's the talk that my dream is to build a family, getting married and child, then it would mean I have to ask my boyfriend to give up his dreams just to be with me.
This is too much to ask for.
We talked about it, and it hurts so much.
I tried not to cry in front of him lately, at least I should be able to do that much.
I want to be able to live all by myself again like before, but it's hard. I feel like I might die anytime soon, but screaming help wouldn't be any SOS because it sounds more like, someone wanting attention just to be spoiled.
How do you grow up?
How can you forgive yourself, and embrace everything that you are?
I am so tired, I am so tired...
Of all these relationships, the flaws I can't fix...
Looking at the candle about to be blown off, but I don't have anything to keep it lit.
It's so tiring, so tiring.
I want to be gone, I don't know if anyone can help me.
I wonder if God could. I wonder if He could.
Even if He could, will He be willing to...?
I'm not even worthy enough to have anyone care about me.