Follow me
into the chrysanthemum tea ♥
あたしには あなただけよ...
I included you in my future.
Friday, August 12, 2016 // back to top?
So, I'm back.
I'm in relationship, 9 months, since last November. I thought it was great. I've been longing for a partner; someone I can be together with and without even doubting about showing him who I truly am.
I loved him since the day when we started school. I can say it was love at a first sight. Never thought that he'd be the one to confess to me.
And at that time, it was the utmost happiest day of my life.
And at the same time, the scariest day of my life.
I've always hated myself. I want to delete my existence. I don't get the idea why someone would ever like me. I can see no positives in me.
Why would he wanted to go out with me? I thought he'll regret it the second day after, and I was ready anytime, for the possibility that he might turn me down and leave me all alone again.
He didn't. And even now he still decided to stay with me.
I am so thankful for what he had done to me, but on the other side, I am having an identity crisis.
I don't feel like myself. I used to be alone, I started to enjoy it before he finally confessed to me. For then, I started to plant a little bit of hopes, a little bit more of hopes, and plant it more and more until it began to grow as expectations. Obsession.
I feel so anxious if he doesn't reply my text, nor when he's not with me. I feel like he might leave me anytime. And I'm scared.
I feel like ever since we're dating, he wasn't as... care as he was before? It's like, I am the only one who's trying to keep in contact, and in the opposite, it seems like he's trying to avoid me.
He sacrificed a lot for me, though. And I know that all of these thoughts are trying to make ME blaming HIM, while actually the one's at fault is definitely ME.
I forced to make him share his time with me. I took his private time, and I bothered his privacy. I want to make him only mine, and mine.
I get angry and jealous easily. Yet, kept blaming him for all of these anxiety I can't control myself.
Still, he decides to stay with me.
Sometimes I feel like if we're apart for quite a long time, he'll at least try to communicate with me. But no matter how long I waited, he won't contact first.
I must have the initiative to keep in contact with him, or else we'll lose contact completely.
I can't even write this journal as direct and clear as what I wanted to say.
It's just so confusing.
Am I wrong for hoping that he'd make an effort to catch up with me? That he wants to stay with me as much as I want to stay with him?
Or is it that I am the one overthinking? Expecting things more than how it should've happened? Being way too obsessive?
I once read an article saying that being in relationship, it's about commitment. It's not about feeling, but the choice, of whether if we'll accept our partner the way they are, their choices, their flaws...
I decided to choose him no matter how painful I am most of the time.
But does this works if it's only one sided?
I am scared about the future. The future when we're graduating and finding jobs.
What if our companies are located in different cities?
What will we do when it's too busy and it's so hard to meet, not as easy as we're in school because our house is so close?
What if he kept everything inside him and not letting me know how his days has been?
What about his trust? and mine?
I want a concrete commitment, and I still haven't got any clarification no matter how many times I've asked him.
I know we're both scared about the future.
But at least I want to know whether if he's
including me in his future.
I'm so full of doubt, but too scared of finding the truth.
Too scared because he doesn't let me know the truth.
I hope he won't let me down.
But I need to remind myself that my definition of 'hope'
is way too close with 'expecting'.