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あたしには あなただけよ...
Disappointment
Tuesday, May 5, 2015 // back to top?
Going into a new environment wasn't as hard as how it is at the moment. As an overseas student, I totally feel out of place. I don't even understand why. I did my best not to break the etiquette rules, nor even doing any rude manners. I wonder if it's actually the vibe I'm giving out from my appearance? I'm in the place where I'm not being totally hated or loved, but something's just not right.
I'm totally okay with being alone. I'm used to it because that's how I always am for the past years. But now it's the first time I feel like I'm being alone because it's actually not alright for me to be me. It feels weird. I am not supposed to feel this way. I don't even have the right reason to feel so.
This is so annoying. I wish there aren't many group activities at school. If there aren't any, I wouldn't mind being carefree.
I keep asking myself where did I do wrong. Why can't it be right? Why it feels so wrong that I am questioning myself instead of what they were thinking? It's as if I don't have my own place in this country. I just want to feel safe. That's it. I don't want to worry anymore whether if it's actually something I did out of consciousness. I honestly never feel I've done anything wrong. I don't understand about the culture here. I don't understand their preference and such. I don't wanna understand what they're trying to say between the lines. I am so tired I feel like crying. I want to cry out and asked them "Is it wrong for me to be me?" and see how they reacted to this confession.
I can't even believe how happy it made me when someone greeted me kindly since my greeting has been ignored for quite sometimes.
No one even manage to look at me in the eyes.
Honestly I like my eyes the most out of the other part of my body. I thought it's the only way I can tell people how I actually feel, just like how it said 'eyes are the windows of the soul'. But it's so funny how my family said my eyes always throws glares that made people think I'm angry. This is kinda the first time I knew that it wasn't my facial expression, but my the way I see people is actually what makes me look like a serial killer or sth. I'm just... it's a total disappointment. I can't explain my feelings well since I'm not used to. I talk fast and lots. No one will be able to keep up with me. And in this place where expressing yourself honestly is known as being 'selfish', I wish I can hide my face and all. I don't know anymore how to face people. This is disappointing. I just want to be myself without any doubt about the mistakes I have in me.
This is so disappointing indeed.