Follow me
into the chrysanthemum tea ♥
あたしには あなただけよ...
I apologize. and I don't need any forgiveness.
Sunday, February 15, 2015 // back to top?
All I have ever done only tainted my family's name.
I have never once being told that crying is okay in my family. Whenever I told them I want to cry, they would tell me 'don't be weak. It's so embarrassing if you cry' or 'you have to be strong even when you're alone'. I am so frustrated. I just want to let it all out but my own parents will never allow me to.
Asides that, having me is probably their biggest problem. I, the daughter, the eldest kid. Who always complain. Who failed at everything. The one who escapes at the end of certain problem. The crybaby. The weak. The flaw.
I was always told that I speak too fast, and people doesn't like me for that. They told me I talk too much and I shouldn't. Ever since forever, all I can remember about people's first impression about me is that I look like an annoying kid. Kid who get angry easily. Bossy. Selfish. None would actually say they like me only by the first glance. I am sorry for being this way.
And I'm sorry for trying my best to be myself. It was my fault. I shouldn't have done that. I was the cause of the problem. I'm sorry that I was so emotional and sensitive that such a 'small' problem will make me suicide. I am sorry for wishing mom and dad would love each other more. I am sorry for expecting you guys as parents who love each other. I am sorry for creating all these fuss. I am sorry. I am sorry.
I am sorry that I am weak. For that I always cry when I have to do things against my will. I am sorry for making brother ashamed of me. I am sorry for stopping school. I am sorry for not having any graduation certificate. I am sorry for changing schools over and over. I am sorry for asking to go home, when I know you guys are busy. I am sorry for always sounding as if I'm angry when all I ever wanna do is to show how much I care about you. I am sorry for always bringing all bad news instead of the good one. I am sorry for being childish. I am sorry.
I never meant to be any shame to you. I hope you understand. I am sorry for typing all of these words with tears on my cheeks. I wish I am strong. I wish I can be that daughter you're proud of. A sister you can be proud of.
I wish ending my life isn't a form of being selfish as well. I wish ending my life can easy enough to help you guys live at ease without having to worry about this troublesome girl. I wish I was another girl who can make you guys glad for having her. I am really, really sorry for being weak even though I've tried.
I'm sorry for asking you over and over whether if I'm a shame for you. And I'm sorry for being sad when you're not responding me. I'm sorry for expecting that I can be someone that can make you proud someday. I didn't even mean to disappoint you. I'm sorry for hoping that you guys will hug me when I cry. I'm sorry for crying in front of you that day. I'm sorry for making you seemed like the bad guy for punching over me when the bad one was me. I'm sorry for making you seemed like bad parents while all that causes it is me.
I hope you understand that I am really really sorry for being me.