Follow me
into the chrysanthemum tea ♥
あたしには あなただけよ...
Drown, locked.
Tuesday, October 15, 2013 // back to top?
Yeph, it's been the second week (or so) since I moved into Tokyo. I'm pretty much still feeling traumatic due to the thing that happened back then in Sydney. It's funny enough how I still am trying to gap myself from other people.
No, it's probably more like... I'm really scared if someone really figure me out but at the same time I'm yearning for someone to find me? This is one of the worst feeling because I'm feeling so selfish and naive at the same time. I want to shout everything out, my past, my struggles, what am I scared of, the words I CAN'T speak of, everything of me and received a whole pack of respect and acceptance in the very end.
The thing is, I really feel like some people began to dislike me. I don't know, they probably just trying to give me the space I've been asked for but WOW DUDE I don't like the stare they gave me.
Really.
Those stares were the same one like what I've received back then during my high school. Like, WHOA REALLY. I don't know how to express this but seriously this sucks. I think these are all pure my consumptions about the things that probably MIGHT not happen at all. I am really scared of my mind but there's no way I could think that something or someone would be able to heal it.
I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated because I don't even know why am I doing this and that. Why am I still bother to try hard in studying, why do I still decided to go to school, why am I still hoping that someone would find me, why would I want everyone to stop caring about me.
Even when I was chosen as one of the representatives to talk about my dream and such during the first day of school, I was being happy mere because of I get to feel how does it feels to perform, and waiting at the backstage, it was just all because of the 'sensation' I've been wondering of for years. To be honest, I don't even understand what was I saying in the speech. Do I really want to become an illustrator? People believed that it's cool that I've got a big dream up ahead. But what if I'm saying that whatever I blabbered out was just pure a made up words just so I didn't ended up drowned in questions?
I'm drowned in questions. I've ALWAYS drowned in questions I gave to myself. I can't bear any other questions given to me because I'm too tired to think of it.
I don't even feel like looking for the answers too, sometimes. More like I'm scared to know. What if the 'answer' is actually something that'll choked me down even deeper than being drowned?
I don't know how to approach people, nor that I don't know how to accept people's approach towards me. I tried so hard not to get drowned or float even more. Both hurts. I'm trying to stay at the state I've got at the moment because I'm pretty sure someday I'll get used to it and if I'm staying that way, I'll be just fine.
Why is it so hard to become understandable? If I speak myself out, I'd get mistaken for attention seeker, which was what I've been titled of for the whole years. I want to quit from myself. I want to lock myself inside out and even when somebody knocked, I would try my best to hold back the door and not to let any single drip of what I have, leaked out towards their grips.
I failed several times though. I let them took a whole grips of my past or feeling. Just a bit. It seems. I'm still doing my best not to leak anything else other than what's been leaked.
Maannnn why is it so hard just to live.
It's even harder when you've realized that drowning is actually 'living' as well.