Follow me
into the chrysanthemum tea ♥
あたしには あなただけよ...
Yeph.
Saturday, March 16, 2013 // back to top?
It's really sad that I'm coming back to this blog to particularly rant about something that might sounded unimportant or useless. It's been a while, isn't it? I went back to my hometown already and started to learn Japanese because I planned to go for a study tour this year. I'm not quite sure though. I have lots of anxiety going around my heart and mind and I can't even identify what actually causes it.
Lately, everything began to become so boring, as always. I feel like, every single thing I did brings me nowhere. What annoys me the most is that lately people seemed to be... too busy or even worse, stepping forward and leaving me behind, or were they even ignoring me? Or did they began to assume that I am boring? Doesn't worth the time to be spent with? You know, it feels like, we're used to be a constellation, but then I fall out from the place as they have gathered to create a new constellation. I was forgotten in a blink of an eye.
Grandma has been in the hospital for the past few days and the house's atmosphere hasn't gone good ever since. I'm trying to gain happiness because oh dude believe me I feel nausea when I type every single thing right here because I've thought too much useless thoughts. I might vomit anytime soon.
Roleplay groups began to get boring. My drawing skill doesn't improve at all. My learning skill had a downgrade. I don't have the exact friends to rant with. I tried watching sad movies to get the chance to cry but I don't feel better at all. I want to cry properly. I want to cry properly.
Am I too selfish to be handled? It's so frustrating. I can't be who I am because I know no one will ever accept me for who I am. Every single fucking day I'm trying to get myself ready for that one day when these guys completely leave me. We can't promise anything. I just... knew that we'll meet that one day when we have to apart from each other's paths...? I've been there so many times. Too many times.
When will I be able to get confident for being completely myself and fucking carefree about what others said about me and confidently walk the path I want to walk at even when it means by walking alone?
I'm used to backstabbing. or getting left behind. Even if I'm not used to, I definitely will.