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探しているの　次のドアを・・・
F i n d m e

Xindi. ( Art is my life ) twenty twelve nineteen ninety three.
I believe in fairy tales and dreams. I believe they're meant to be true in my life..

Gamble.
Thursday, January 10, 2013 // back to top?

It's not like I want to rant about everything and such, but I'm sorry ...

2013 is here but I don't know what I'm looking forward in this year. I really, really, feel like a loser for keeping my future hanged upon my indecisiveness. My parents kept asking me what's my plan for the future because, again, I have to stopped going to school while I failed to get at least a certificate due to some circumstances happened last few months. I won't nag much about it because I've had more than enough of dealing with it.

What answer do I have for my parent's question? I had to make them wait because I kept saying 'I'm still thinking about it' while in fact, the more I think about it, the more unsure I am in which pathway should I take to move on. Sadly, I am still the girl I was 2 years ago; those days when I decided to stop going to school. Was it because I made an ultimate wrong decision; for deciding to escape my problems and thought that the future will still welcome me with open-arms? That now I kept getting attacked by various sort of problems?

My brother suggested me to get to work or something, and I don't have the confidence to step up into that stage, yet. I am not capable to create something to the extent of contributing my artwork to the level of 'working'. I feel like, I have to become much better than what I have now or else I won't get anywhere.

What bothers me so much lately is that... I really am ashamed whenever I have to gather around my family in special occasions or whenever there are guests coming for a visit in our house. I have to face them as if I really am doing fine with my studies, because that'll be what's the talk about.

I tried to talk about my uneasiness with my parents, but whenever I do so, it'll always ended up giving a gloomy and tense atmosphere around the house. Sometimes I'm considering about going to psychology again but lol, it won't help because the matter of fact, no one will be able to understand. What I mean by no one is indeed no one. Some people might be able to understand a little fragment of what I felt but to understand the whole circumstances completely? It's impossible. I have to struggle with myself to accept this fact 2 years ago

People told me that I have lucky parents for not trying to force me in doing something I hate. I have to admit that's true, I'm still grateful for having such a lovable parents but to remember the contrast of my condition and the act of their kindness, I'm gonna tell you that it doesn't help me to feel better.

Not at all. I feel more in dept and pressured instead of being unchained from the uneasiness.

2013 will be the year of my gamble; whether if I'll survive or not.

힘 겹 지 않 아 요



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