あたしには あなただけよ...

テレビに映っていた場所は（青空がきれいだった）
今でも何処かにあって（早く　見つけてほしい）
涙こらえながら
現実に迷いながら
探しているの　次のドアを・・・
F i n d m e

Xindi. ( Art is my life ) twenty twelve nineteen ninety three.
I believe in fairy tales and dreams. I believe they're meant to be true in my life..

Conceited.
Sunday, October 28, 2012 // back to top?

How am I supposed to go home when I don't even know where 'home' is?

I'm so tired of everything to the point that I feel like ending my life. I wanna quit everything. I honestly really want to go home but... haha-- Do I even feel welcomed for being there?
I know how disappoint my parents and grandparents would be. My family. My brother even. He wouldn't want to see my face anymore, would he?

and my friends. For at last I found a group of friend that can make me feel welcomed but... was it only my feeling? I'm such a conceited girl, aren't I? I feel like my presence is so important that they wouldn't be okay without me. Why is it? I want to feel needed, that I arrogantly set that feeling personally. Hey, Xindi, you should've known how annoying you actually are. Such a narcissistic and self-centered girl. No wonder for years no one can actually keep up with you.

My parents' didn't really know that I didn't go to school anymore, and every time I told them I want to go home, they would say, indirectly, asking for me to stay here a little longer. Or even repeat the study I'm doing next year.

I really, really feel like vomiting. I'm not really welcomed aren't I? I can't take it anymore. I don't really have someone to tell this story to. I feel sick I feel tired I feel replaceable. I feel that no one needs me. Sometimes I really wonder what have I done so bad that everything happened to me so brutally...

In a place where I thought I can find a chance and hope, I found destruction and desperation instead. Was I too naive? I really wonder what can keep people so strong in overcoming their problems. Was it because they have someone to fight the problem with? Was it because they have goals? Dreams? Someone to fight for? I don't feel I really have any of it. It's sooo tiring. I can't hold it anymore.

I feel so tired for holding all my tears. I know I'm all alone in my room and I should've cried all the way I want but... It hurts even more when I cried. I tried to hold it all in. All over the hours and days. It's so freaking tiring. It's so exhausting.

Every single time I woke up from my sleep, I always get confused about where I am. It took me several minutes to understand that I'm actually still here. In this solitary place I just-- don't know. I don't want to face my housemates because they'll tell me to go to school but I don't really think that they're trying to understand me first. I feel so fucking lonely and I thought I'll be alright on my own. I knew it, I'm such a naive conceited girl afterall.

Now that my mom asked me 'Do you want to go home?' the word HOME somehow made me shiver. Is that home? Should I call that place home? When I don't feel welcomed or safe? A place where I always feel the guilt on myself because I've been such a burden to them? For being a shame towards them? WHERE is HOME? I don't think I've found it...

Is there a way to end my life without being a burden towards anyone? lol.

Homeless.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012 // back to top?

YEA RIGHT. I can't survive staying here. It's been the 3rd month since I lived here and the fact that now I really have to change course turned my motivation off in an instant.

I don't feel like staying here anymore. I want to go home. But then if I do, what will people say about my family? I always, always, become a burden to my family's name. There are times I feel like crying and wanting to end up this life but hey, I can't be selfish any more than this.

I'm so thankful, though, that I have a lot of good awesome friends in the net. At least in one of the worlds I'm living in, I'm happy. I wish I have someone like my net-friends to accompany me to school. That way I think I'll be able to contain all of these ugly feelings and move on at least until December.

It's been a week since I didn't go to school. Well, I tried. I went to one of the schedules and when I was about to go into the class, my head feel so dizzy and I was about to vomit for real. In the end I escaped and went home. Honestly, I don't feel comfy at the 'homestay' as well at the moment. My housemates, they'll always ask me how's my school and told me to go to school and deal with my feelings easily. Well, just because you've been thru such a hard time, doesn't mean that I can do it just like you. We have different background and how we deal with problems is different.

I tend to lock myself in my room instead of socializing. Ridiculous really. I always feel like crying but I can't properly cry; which it makes me feel like shit.

I really want to go back home. But where is home?

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