Follow me
into the chrysanthemum tea ♥
あたしには あなただけよ...
Dying.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012 // back to top?
It's been a while since I struggled to fix my statement essay for my student VISA. It was so freaking ridiculous for me; I had to lie and pretended that I worked in my dad's company since I stopped studying in RDI until the recent May. Just so you know, lying is a big no no for me. I don't get it why are we suggested to lie...? Why is it so hard only to learn and graduate? To be honest, because of this matter, my motivation began to drift to some other places I don't even know where. My school and homestay are all settled already; I've paid everything and I've got the complete address, schedule and everything else HOWEVER, my VISA isn't here with me yet. I have to wait another few days to make sure if my VISA will be approved; which is ridiculous.
On one side, I wish my VISA will be denied. Guess why? I don't have the courage and motivation to keep myself going in Sydney. I honestly am longing for a long comfy hug and a pat on the back, telling me that everything's gonna be fine but... well, that'd be impossible for me to get them.
I'm so unsure about my future. I don't have the fuel in me that keep myself going. And it's not like I'm lost; I just don't really know where to go. I don't have any power to lift my anchor and I don't want the wind and waves to drift me to somewhere I don't know where. I have to be honest that it's kinda scary to travel alone; to experience adventures alone. It's not fun anymore.
Lately some people shared their feelings and stories to me and I honestly really really want to let them know about what I've been thru; my feelings, my worries, my tears... But I'm scared that they'll think I'm bothering them instead. I've tried to share a little part of the whole stories and instead of giving me comfort, they go on with their stories instead. I decided to stop sharing my story, it's better than being ignored like that. It feels like my feelings are only a piece of junk I just threw out from my mouth. Their ears will only save golds and diamonds which came out from people's mouth; why would they want to save a junk coming out from mine?
To be honest, I am really really scared that I'll ended up getting used keeping all the things inside of me. Almost every night I found myself screaming inside aimlessly, "HELP ME...!!" But there won't be any other voices but mine that replied "Shut up. There won't be anyone who's willing to help you." "You don't deserve a hug!" "You're useless. Why would anybody care about you?"
Ironically, they're all MY voices. They're all MINE. Why would it be mine alone? Because no one would willing to answer it for me. I often feel numb when I slept, and the border between dreams and reality began to get vague. I want to escape from these feelings. They're all so scary. Slowly they ate me and replace my soul with something else. I don't really feel like living.
And if I think too much, I will feel like vomiting. Sometimes I lay down on my bed, looking at my ceiling as my eyes dropped lots of tears without be being expressive about it. I was just... there. Without any exact expression, shedding tears until my eyes were red and my skin goes itchy. I curled next to my pillows and dolls but none of them hugged me, comfort me.
Hahas. Where am I going. Where am I standing, dying.
Screaming.
Dying.