あたしには あなただけよ...

テレビに映っていた場所は（青空がきれいだった）
今でも何処かにあって（早く　見つけてほしい）
涙こらえながら
現実に迷いながら
探しているの　次のドアを・・・
F i n d m e

Xindi. ( Art is my life ) twenty twelve nineteen ninety three.
I believe in fairy tales and dreams. I believe they're meant to be true in my life..

Selfish.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011 // back to top?

For all these time, I can actually understand why my brother doesn't want to talk to me, why he often came to school late, why he 'changed' lately; but it's just that i don't want to admit these reasons.

Yesterday, my mom told me about how my brother actually 'care' about me and it's like, indirectly telling that what i have sensed for so long is actually true. She said that when she drove my brother to school, she told him not to get angry easily (because lately he always get mad at something simple) and then he responded that it's because he has a sister like me; which is the reason why he became like that.

My mom found it, like, cute or, something, because she thought it means my bro still care about me. But then, i don't think it's a matter to be happy about. Doesn't it means that i changed him to become someone worse? I was then drowned in my own thoughts and i randomly screamed weirdly on the sofa. Choa was then looked at me in worried~ as i approached her, she then kissed me and sat besides me as she looked at me for a long time. D'aaww~! how cuteee ;7;

Anyway!! So i was thinking that ... ... well, i don't know. I really don't know what to do. I can't even explain how i really feel, even though inside of me, i can really somehow understand how i feel.

Hm... i have to leave very soon. But i don't have any motivation at all. I don't know who i want to be and i don't have any goals for life. I feel like if i either end my life or continue it, it won't make a change. I feel so trashy. Like a shit.

I found it quite funny but that 'someone' who makes me wanna live is... only... Choa LOL!! i don't know. i have no one else to live for at the moment \:

I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. it feels so terrible. i wanna improve a LOT in my drawing skill but i don't have any idea what to do; i practiced a lot but i feel like it doesn't help anything. I always feel like crying but i can't. WHAT IS TEARS dammit. Lately i always dreamed of being back in highschool. it was both something to be happy and think about. And sometimes, even in my dream, i fake my own smile. I mean like, i was being with lots of people, and in the inside i feel so heavy but i tried to smile all the time. Sometimes i sighed when no one looked but as i turned around, i grinned widely again. IT FEELS SO WEIRD. Why do i have to pretend, even if it's inside my dream??

Ah i can no longer understand the world. What is friendship? What is trust? What is living a life? What does 'do your best' means?

i wanna suicide yet i don't want to make anybody else hurts. I'm selfish and i know that.

힘 겹 지 않 아 요



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