Follow me
into the chrysanthemum tea ♥
あたしには あなただけよ...
Blindfolded.
Friday, October 28, 2011 // back to top?
Lately the agent who before helped me to organize my enrollment to RDI called me and tried to help me finding another school in Aussie. There are some few options given alr but i can't see whether if i am fond of the options given. Seeing that the schools didn't lead me to master the course of illustration frustrated me. I feel like every path laying ahead of me whispering to me '
you've taken the wrong path, now you can go nowhere else but the places that will cause you pain.'
Sometimes i blabbered out that i don't want to go to school anymore and sometimes mom reacted as if she's fine with it. HOWEVER i have to join some sort of courses or activities, at least i don't stay at home all the time. I don't know. I get tired of the formalities whenever i met some connections of families or friends, asking about my studies. It's like, if you don't graduate, you're such a worthless human. I hate being born in this era where the 'value' of a person is seen thru that single paper saying that you've graduated. It's giving me this indirect pressure running on my shoulders while i'm truly blindfolded about the future.
I don't care if my brother is going to hate me or something. I'm tired of thinking about it. I was thinking that if i see no solution for at least until the new year's eve of 2012, i planned to end up my life lol. idk. i see no hope in living. it's like everyday i wake up yet i'm living dead...
I think my art doesn't really give an 'impact' or a 'role' in society. It bothers me as well. I found it really hard to be satisfied in what i've done. I used to think that being hard to satisfied over something i did would be nice; because it helps me to have the motivation to become better. But lately, my thought is no longer lead to that path. It feels like, everything i did suffocates myself and whatever i did bring troubles to people.
I have no idea how to describe my feeling right now... hmm... people often told me to see things from the religious views but... i'm sorry to say this but i began to lose hope. Lately society misused the term of religion, that slowly i think it affect me in how i see religion as well. Well it's something around that. i'm way too lazy to describe what i really feel about that...
Well overall... i'm get used of being alone. let's see how everything went thru the end of the year.