Follow me
into the chrysanthemum tea ♥
あたしには あなただけよ...
Sometimes i blabbered out that i don't want to go to school anymore and sometimes mom reacted as if she's fine with it. HOWEVER i have to join some sort of courses or activities, at least i don't stay at home all the time. I don't know. I get tired of the formalities whenever i met some connections of families or friends, asking about my studies. It's like, if you don't graduate, you're such a worthless human. I hate being born in this era where the 'value' of a person is seen thru that single paper saying that you've graduated. It's giving me this indirect pressure running on my shoulders while i'm truly blindfolded about the future.
I don't care if my brother is going to hate me or something. I'm tired of thinking about it. I was thinking that if i see no solution for at least until the new year's eve of 2012, i planned to end up my life lol. idk. i see no hope in living. it's like everyday i wake up yet i'm living dead...
I think my art doesn't really give an 'impact' or a 'role' in society. It bothers me as well. I found it really hard to be satisfied in what i've done. I used to think that being hard to satisfied over something i did would be nice; because it helps me to have the motivation to become better. But lately, my thought is no longer lead to that path. It feels like, everything i did suffocates myself and whatever i did bring troubles to people.
I have no idea how to describe my feeling right now... hmm... people often told me to see things from the religious views but... i'm sorry to say this but i began to lose hope. Lately society misused the term of religion, that slowly i think it affect me in how i see religion as well. Well it's something around that. i'm way too lazy to describe what i really feel about that...
Well overall... i'm get used of being alone. let's see how everything went thru the end of the year. Excuse me for having RP w my own OC. Tuesday, October 11, 2011 // back to top?
[ D E C L I N E D]
Puren: …
Me: //pat pat//
Puren: DON’T TOUCH ME!! //stars to cry stars//
Me: ahaha i’m sorry okay? i’ve really tried my best. I guess next time? ^^;;
Me: (Why does it has to be today out of the other days TTATT… since i’m having a bad day… sobs…!)
maybe i'll blog abt what happened later on. damn reality...!
Puren: …
Me: //pat pat//
Puren: DON’T TOUCH ME!! //stars to cry stars//
Me: ahaha i’m sorry okay? i’ve really tried my best. I guess next time? ^^;;
Me: (Why does it has to be today out of the other days TTATT… since i’m having a bad day… sobs…!)
maybe i'll blog abt what happened later on. damn reality...!
Listen to the rhythm of the falling rain~~ //sings//
Glad that it's raining (at last) tonight. I had such a tiring and bad day today because of some concerns when my cousins came to my house. But anyway! I figured out that it was cloudy for the whole day and i waited until it rained. My friends from the other side of Surabaya then tweeted that it started to rain! I was so hyped and waited until the rain gets to our side! Finally it did!
I watched the raindrops from my mom's window for a while and then went downstairs to meet Choa. I grabbed her yellow blanket (which she can rarely use during the sunny days since it's hot) and gave it to her. I told her about the sound of the rain and how relaxing rainy season is (tho she might not be able to understand it but... xD). I told her to sleep with her blanket too coz it might be cold tonight.
Ah glad that the rain came in the right time. Hope it'll come everyday HAHAS! sorry for my selfishness ;A; ...
So... Today is like, a brand new day for Choa. It's the first time that i took her out for a walk at the noon and it's the first time that Choa heard how does the rain's sounds like! ^^ <3 Drowning. Monday, October 3, 2011 // back to top? I shall blog this before i forget about it.
For about a month, i dreamed about Onew randomly but somehow his presence in my dream kinda helped me to feel better during the day. So, well, i'd like to put a record of the plots in my dreams.
#1
The setting took place in some sort of small town, yea, a town, but somehow i like it; it has houses and natures equally. Then there's this green field besides a red-brick house. I laid myself down on the grasses and then suddenly Onew came and looked at me, kinda asked what was i doing. I was then answered that i was looking at the clouds.
The red-brick house had this long stairs besides it, Onew then climbed it and i can see him clearly from my view. He stopped before the top and he looked at the sky, amazed. 'That's true, the sky looks so beautiful today.' He said and smiled at me. I could see some kites flying in the sky as well. Such a clear blue sky, fluffy clouds, colorful kites, Onew's smile. I gotta admit... that's one of the most beautiful scene i've ever seen.
#2
I was going into the bus from school, i was going with Onew. Somehow, Onew was my boyfriend. The bus was so packed, but as it stops in the station, everyone leaved until there are so many spaces left. There were this old western couple in the bus. Usually, people will take empty spot that is kinda far from strangers, right? But instead, Onew sat besides this old man and put his big bag (idk, it was from a festival or sth) besides him. Since there's no seat left near him, i sat next to the bag and faced right to the head of the bus; while Onew faced to the side of the bus.
Onew then realized. He took his big bag and put it on his lap. I was like, 'no, it's okay! you bag is so packed, you can just put it there!' Then he shook his head and smiled. He poked the seat besides him and said, 'Sit here!'
I can't help it but giggled and i moved to his side. He looked a bit overwhelmed by his belongings, but it seems that he was so happy when i decided to move to his side.
#3
There's this kind of 'fear-factor' game i had together with SHINee or whatsoever (but i can only rmb Onew n Jonghyun). We were in a firetruck and we have to go on the top of the firetruck while the truck is moving. I was kinda in a bad mood and i tried to act as if i'm happy; kinda forcing myself.
Then i got to the top of the firetruck first and i made it. I waited for Onew and i helped him by pulling his hand to get him safely to the top. Onew was wearing the firefighter's red uniform (but without the helmet). He was kinda slipped but glad that he didn't fall. But somehow the way he slipped is kinda funny so i giggled. He then fell (but still on the top of the firetruck) onto some sort of a hole? but not exactly a hole. ugh. can't really describe what's in my dream. Then suddenly a bundle of papers hit him on the face and the papers scattered everywhere. Believe me, the expression he made was so epic funny! i laughed so hard looking at his face, and, yea, i didn't realize that i was laughing all along without needing myself to force a laughter.
The part that makes me go THUMP THUMP! is when Onew realized that i can finally laughed like that, and he smiled at me as if his stare was saying 'glad that you can finally laugh.' I was a bit overwhelmed and awkward so that i tried to look away from his stare. i hugged my feet and buried my face since i was way too shocked + shy.
- - - - -
dream log is just so fun =w= <3 Oh! one more thing, tho it's Onew-unrelated dream, i still feel that this was a unique experience of dreaming that i ever had.
I dreamed that i was some sort of drowning. I can sure see that i was in a swimming pool tho. I drowned myself into the water and somehow i can breath, but sometimes i tried to held my breath. I can feel the weight of the water and how my body floats inside the water. Moreover, the sound of the water bubbles were so effin clear in my ears. I can really hear em. Then slowly i raised up onto the surface and as the water dripped down from my skin, i woke up. It's as if the water is 'dream' and going onto the surface is 'waking up'. It really was real. Even when i woke up, my body took quite some time to be able to 'feel' again. in which means, i was kinda numb back then when i'm dreaming.
I think it's cool! unique in some way (:
okay then. dream log is done.! Invisible falling raindrops. Sunday, October 2, 2011 // back to top? Don't you hate it when you tried to help someone at your best and with your purest earnest, they told you in such an anger tone (and sarcastic smile), "if you don't intended to help then don't!" ?
It happened to me lots of times and i wonder like, why? Is it the matter of the expression on my face? I'm sorry i was born with such kind of face where i always seemed to be pissed off. But i'm the type of person who won't do what i don't like and i will do what i like. So i guess i shall leave it for you to reflect. darn.
sigh. and so. lately there's this 'funny' feeling inside of me that i get envious whenever my dog, Choa, got close with another dog. The reason why is that i kinda scared of the fact that she might forgets about me because she likes it more to be with another dog. Well, you know, i mean, lately my only irl friends is Choa. Whenever i got pissed or sth i ran to Choa and played with her, therefore i can forget those horrible feelings. I don't mind if i have to wake up at night when she needs me or sth. I just need her.
I think my irl friends around me somehow decreased and got further away, meanwhile i'll just stay while scribbling on my scrapbooks and have a little chat with Choa.
Hm. oh well. good news is, i get involved in a SHINee Doujin Fanbook project. 5 artists were chosen to collab together and we're making a magazine with our arts in it. I, of course, am so happy to get involved in this because it's the same as work experience thingy for me. I'll get my profit when those magazines are sold and i really am happy to hear that; well, not abt the part that i get the money, but for the fact that maybe, just maybe, i can make my family at least a bit proud of me.
I gotta do my best!