Follow me
into the chrysanthemum tea ♥
あたしには あなただけよ...
I have no cutter i shall NEVER have it.
Monday, September 19, 2011 // back to top?
Lately am reading Yuumei's graphic novels that it widened some of my POVs, and left me into some deep thoughts about life. Today, i watched
The Girl Who Leapt Through Time, and it left me in wander abt life as well.
Everytime i read or watch something, my mind will fully be absorbed into it; that sometimes i might forget that i'm 'living'. Whenever the book/movie is done i was like,
snap! oh right. i'm alive.
So, before i knew it, i really become someone who i don't wanna become to. It's true that when you grow up, the more you understand how lonely your life is. i
hate growing up.
Yesterday - or was it few days ago - i had a small quarrel with my mom. I messed up our plan again and she kept saying that i ruin her name; make her embarrassed (probably embarrassed for the fact that i am her daughter). She said that i have to grow up and quit for being such a loser (or sth, i kinda forget). She also said that all the things that i've done majorly affect her, and from the way she talked about it, she doesn't like it. Funny thing is, i feel rather empty when she said that. Inside of me kept saying 'Ah, these words again. I'm used to it.' Gotta say there's a bit of pain, but not as hurt as before. I honestly thought when she began to rant, i'm going to cry, but then, i wasn't. Not even teary eyes. i just stared at my feet as those words kept echoing and the inner-me kept admitting that i get used to it.
I was going to react. I really know what i was going to say. But whenever the words reached onto my mouth, it stuck. I kept asking myself, is it okay to say it? What if it makes her even mad? or hurt? and it took so freaking long for me to react. I spent about 15 minutes only to say 'I'm not going.'
My mom won't ever understand what i felt when i wanted to say something. Moreover, whenever i put my effort in putting what i felt into words, she always rushed me out by saying 'Don't keep quiet! Say something!' and it causes me to held my words even longer.
I left her after i said that and went to the bed. Fast asleep right after. When i closed my eyes i kept hearing myself say, 'i won't ask her for something else in the future, even if i want it so bad. i gotta hold myself; it might hurt her more in the future. I MUST get used to bottling up my desire and wants.'
Today my dad reminds me that i have to phone my grandparents again. tbh, after my grandpa cried in front of me, i can't deny it that i feel awkward and guilty and pressured whenever i hear his voice. Moreover my grandma kept telling me that when you're young you gotta enjoy life. i just laughed silently whenever she said that.
My bro, don't even ask about it. We never talk lately. i give up on putting effort to get close to him. I'm teaching myself that if he really is embarrassed of me, then i shall never be a part of his life anymore. ... I also kept hiding whenever he brought his friends over the house.
I didn't talk much with my youngest uncle, but somehow i think he's the one who understands me (kinda) since he's not going to highschool as well. He never asked me abt my study or sth, maybe he knows how it feels to be asked w such question when u know u don't want to go to school.
I live wasting life. I live wasting time. i wonder, if i'm able to dig my heart right into the core, what do i get? what do i see? what do i actually want?...
in the end, i really am get used of swallowing the words i wanna say.
hmm.. but hey. maybe i'll bleed starlight.