Floating Leaf Paperplane

I have no cutter i shall NEVER have it.
Monday, September 19, 2011 // back to top?

Lately am reading Yuumei's graphic novels that it widened some of my POVs, and left me into some deep thoughts about life. Today, i watched The Girl Who Leapt Through Time, and it left me in wander abt life as well.

Everytime i read or watch something, my mind will fully be absorbed into it; that sometimes i might forget that i'm 'living'. Whenever the book/movie is done i was like, snap! oh right. i'm alive.

So, before i knew it, i really become someone who i don't wanna become to. It's true that when you grow up, the more you understand how lonely your life is. i hate growing up.

Yesterday - or was it few days ago - i had a small quarrel with my mom. I messed up our plan again and she kept saying that i ruin her name; make her embarrassed (probably embarrassed for the fact that i am her daughter). She said that i have to grow up and quit for being such a loser (or sth, i kinda forget). She also said that all the things that i've done majorly affect her, and from the way she talked about it, she doesn't like it. Funny thing is, i feel rather empty when she said that. Inside of me kept saying 'Ah, these words again. I'm used to it.' Gotta say there's a bit of pain, but not as hurt as before. I honestly thought when she began to rant, i'm going to cry, but then, i wasn't. Not even teary eyes. i just stared at my feet as those words kept echoing and the inner-me kept admitting that i get used to it.

I was going to react. I really know what i was going to say. But whenever the words reached onto my mouth, it stuck. I kept asking myself, is it okay to say it? What if it makes her even mad? or hurt? and it took so freaking long for me to react. I spent about 15 minutes only to say 'I'm not going.'

My mom won't ever understand what i felt when i wanted to say something. Moreover, whenever i put my effort in putting what i felt into words, she always rushed me out by saying 'Don't keep quiet! Say something!' and it causes me to held my words even longer.

I left her after i said that and went to the bed. Fast asleep right after. When i closed my eyes i kept hearing myself say, 'i won't ask her for something else in the future, even if i want it so bad. i gotta hold myself; it might hurt her more in the future. I MUST get used to bottling up my desire and wants.'

Today my dad reminds me that i have to phone my grandparents again. tbh, after my grandpa cried in front of me, i can't deny it that i feel awkward and guilty and pressured whenever i hear his voice. Moreover my grandma kept telling me that when you're young you gotta enjoy life. i just laughed silently whenever she said that.

My bro, don't even ask about it. We never talk lately. i give up on putting effort to get close to him. I'm teaching myself that if he really is embarrassed of me, then i shall never be a part of his life anymore. ... I also kept hiding whenever he brought his friends over the house.

I didn't talk much with my youngest uncle, but somehow i think he's the one who understands me (kinda) since he's not going to highschool as well. He never asked me abt my study or sth, maybe he knows how it feels to be asked w such question when u know u don't want to go to school.

I live wasting life. I live wasting time. i wonder, if i'm able to dig my heart right into the core, what do i get? what do i see? what do i actually want?...

in the end, i really am get used of swallowing the words i wanna say.

hmm.. but hey. maybe i'll bleed starlight.

Ew.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011 // back to top?

I just told mom that when i got 18, i might start to get a 'simple' job. Well, i'm planning to make a drawing commission that uses Paypal as the payment, and maybe i'll get some crafts to be sold. Mom told me that it's better for me to work into some kind of office stuffs, or some sort of it. I told her that i don't have graduation certificate, but she replied that it'd be fine if i got into someone-we-know-well's office.

Tbh i wanna work in some places like library \: it's calm n the job doesn't frustrate me. Ever since i worked in UC's library during the working week at school, i found it really fun to work in the library. Though the job is quite a lot, but it doesn't brings me to stress or pressure. It's quite fun.

Ehm. okay the way i talk abt this seems like i won't go for school anymore, is it? Lately my parents are in search of some tours to go to Aussie, but my instinct told me that my path doesn't lead to that country, somehow. My mom said that it isn't abt the path, it's about being patient. But i think it's not really abt being patient. i have to find another possible paths that i have to walk on if my instinct was right. i mean, i don't have much more time to waste \: but honestly, if i'm able not to go to school anymore, that'd be great hahas.

However, if i really am not going to school anymore, i honestly am thinking, to... ... ... ... get away from this fam. That's what deep inside said. I don't wanna become a shame to my fam, u know. but i can't, of course. how selfish i am if i do so. i rmb the day Mr.Eric interviewed me when i decided to get Diploma during my highschool days. He asked me, 'Why do you want to get into DP?' and i confidently answered 'because i'm the oldest daughter out of my siblings and cousins; i want to make them proud of me and i want to be a good example for them.' OMG SUCH A BULLSHIT YOU'RE TALKING, XIN!!! dammit why did i even said so. sigh. who would know that my future will turn this way? i have NEVER ever thought that my future might be as gloomy as it is before. i never get myself ready for such situation beforehand.

hmm. idk \: i don't want and am NOT ready to attend school again. kinda. ugh. what the heck am i talking abt. ew.

Latest 48 hours.
Sunday, September 11, 2011 // back to top?

Omg there are so many things happened in the late 48 hours *___*

Yesterday, i had my haircut. it was SUPER SHORT! Even shorter than what i thought! I knew it that my bro will get angry, but tho, i still put him in a test whether if my prediction is right or not. Well, truedat, when he figured out about my new hairstyle, it was as if the horns grew out from his head and fire blew up from his head. He was soooo mad and told me to grow my hair again n never cut it anymore LOL! now that we can conclude that he likes girl with long hair xD AND he WANTS me to be a part of those girls >D //kicked//

At night my bro gave me a super long lecture about having diet etc etc. I have to admit that what he said was all right ==; tho the truth hurts LOL! so the points are:

I have to go for diet.
I need to grow my hair long again.
He doesn't need to praise when things are GOOD but he will complain whenever things are BAD. so be grateful if he says NOTHING AT ALL.
BUT on the other hand, it's great that he talks what's inside his mind bluntly. hahas!
Means he cares about me lol!
oh wait these aren't points anymore.

Another thing that happened was that ysterday, out of nowhere i got invited to my friend's bday party. As stated on the invitation, the bday party starts at 4PM. My mom asked her friends to accompany her to go to TP while waiting for me. But then, i arrived at 4.30PM at the event but yet there are still lots of stuffs scattering o___o and moreover, no one was there!! The security then told me that there's still no one inside and he said probably the event will start at 6PM. I was so damn embarrassed yet angry. My mom was pissed as well. I asked my friends and how coincidental it is that they're all coming at 6PM! Since this friend i hv moved to another school since 3 years ago, we're all not really that close anymore; so they're coming late instead. Mom then told me not to come to the party and go to TP instead. i did what she told. i bought new clothes right away (coz i dun wanna wear dress n highheels to go around the mall) and so i had a long shopping night w mothers ==;;

Okay the next thing, is that... I HAVE A NEW PUPPY!! She's 1 month old~! But i'll count her bday in 10th of Sept (:

at first i gave her name Fuuko. But after half a day spending time w her, i can see that she loves to sleep n dream often (since she always kick everything besides her) and thinking of changing her name to Yume. Well, then mom came back home from the church n asked me what is the Korean of 'good' and i told her '좋아'. She directly concluded 'Then let's take it as her name!!'. Sooo then her name is 좋아 hahas! it feels like having a new baby w/o husband (~~the heck~~) coz i hv to take care of her everything *____* glad that my youngest uncle is interested in dogs as well so that he helped me taking care of her (:

I don't really understand my mom. She loves animals but then she hates it whenever the animal is having a 'personal' time of peeing and pooping. i'm trying my best to train 좋아 to poop and peed in the right place BUT it takes time okay? but mom was looking so freaking pissed when i told her that we have to tolerant 좋아 if she still doesn't understand where to pee n poo ==;; sigh. so this is how it feels to get full responsibility of a newborn baby~~

Dealing with My Ghost.
Thursday, September 8, 2011 // back to top?

So, finally we're reaching the day for my friend to depart to America \:
I went to her house to sent her off; it was kinda sad... i wasn't crying, but somehow i feel like, there's a hollow in me? I can't really explain. I wish her luck for her studies, and i'm gonna miss her for sure )':

Question for myself: When is it going to be my turn to move on? The song I'm Moving On by Rascal Flatts is somehow stuck in my head for the whole day. The song kinda speaks to me and i have no idea how to respond to that song. I have this mixture of anger, sadness, confusion, pressures inside of me (and for sure it won't ended up as a 'tasty dish' in the end); it really is bitter.

;alkda;dka;dka;dka;dkad;aka;dka;ldkad;lakl;dka;dkad;sa <-- is probably the best way to express how i feel right now.

I reconsidered that my improvement in art is kinda slow. Why the heck did i 'wasted' my time years ago? omg fuck liifeeeee. sigh.

the way i talk doesn't make sense anymore. gotta... ~~move on~~ sleep.


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