あたしには あなただけよ...

テレビに映っていた場所は（青空がきれいだった）
今でも何処かにあって（早く　見つけてほしい）
涙こらえながら
現実に迷いながら
探しているの　次のドアを・・・
F i n d m e

Xindi. ( Art is my life ) twenty twelve nineteen ninety three.
I believe in fairy tales and dreams. I believe they're meant to be true in my life..

Left.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011 // back to top?

Recently i can see how people treat me differently. First, obviously, my ex-classmates. Okay, i admit it's not even recently, but it happens often.

I tried to socialize with my old friends; i tried not to make any excuses not to go whenever they invite me. However, tbh, i hate it whenever people asked me over and over again about my studies. I know it's a consequence for not going to school anymore, but still. I don't like it whenever they sarcastically told me that my life is 'great' and told me to continue my study in my hometown. Those laughter, if only i can burn the laughter, i will do that right at that moment. But anw, i can skim that off slowly.

What pissed me off the most is how my family treat me. My mom is mostly the main reason why i felt this way. I don't know whether if mom did this in purpose or not, but she acted kinda cold towards me. I can see the way she treats bro n me differently. Maybe it's bcoz my bro's future is more 'clear' than mine? Or maybe bcoz he doesn't make any shame to this family? I'm kinda scared to think any further than this. I tried to be useful but i don't see any difference.

I tried to wake up earlier each day, wondering if i can help her with sth, but in the end it's no use. This morning she talked to me abt next week when my maids will all go back to their hometown. She wondered about the jobs she has to do. Then she told me, 'Though you woke up early... How are you going to be a help?' and laughed sarcastically without even looked at me. I answered rather silently 'I wonder, when i was an elementary student i can help you with lots of things. It seems like you didn't even give me a chance to help.' Yet she didn't reply, or maybe she didn't even listen.

Wew idk what more to say. way too screwed. I'm trying to be good but when people doesn't give the chance for me to be good, then what's the use of it? ==;; kinda tired of trying alr. Oh and lately i tend to 'hide' whenever my bro's friends came to this house. It seems like bro is kinda ashamed with the condition that i'm right here and have nothing else to do rather than drawing. i'm a shame i'm a shame.

Few days ago there's this incident when bro asked me about his PP. I gladly tried to help him but he kept being angry and put all the faults on me. Tho he's angry, he kept asking how he's going to do his PP over and over again. I tried to give in, i kept answering tho i know in the end he'll kept scolding me. Then suddenly mom went out and asked bro to massage her shoulders. Bro did as what she told but his mouth kept blabbering to me. I wasn't angry, okay, until he said sth abt my study and telling me that i'm a loser that i can't even finish a year of my study. I was so pissed that i took ANYTHING in front of me and throw it to the floor. My mom told him to hush and finally he stopped those shits. I walked silently to my room.

There's that moment when my eyes were so teary that tears were about to spill. But i held it in. I don't want to cry because of what he said to me. I must be strong. I mustn't cry only because of the words. I've been thru sth more painful than it. So i must bear with it.

Things bothers me lately. I don't know why people keep treating me this way. I'm scared that i get used to bottling up my feelings inside. I'm scared that in the end i get used to keeping up my feelings as secrets inside of me. I tend to held what i want to say recently, and i tend to move away whenever mom and bro were comfortably speaking to each other; i don't want to bother em...

I don't know where to run. Or even where to stay. Slowly as i see what's around me, i can only see people's back; they're going away, or stepping forward. Left.


Will we?
Wednesday, August 3, 2011 // back to top?

From the info i got, he is... GOING TO AUSSIE!? WHAT IS LIFE!? *A*
Can't stop laughing myself!!!! XDD i hope it's real. i hope destiny let us meet. PLEASE!.

I told my mom that he will continue his study in Aussie as well, ACCIDENTALLY! Then she was like, realized that i might love him xD coz then she said 'Whoa, he's going to Aussie as well~!' and she told me that i might asked more info to my seniors and i can't help it but giggled~! XD

There's this sudden happiness filling those empty spaces inside of me ~! So this is how happy it is to be in love! :D if i'm able to go then i think i wish i can meet him in Aussie! If i can meet him in Aussie n there's a chance for me to be with him, then I SWEAR i will study harrdd!! xD IF he's there when i study, i bet he will be my motivation to try hard! :D Whenever i fall in love, i tend to try my SUPER BEST to make him 'proud' of me hahas~! idk, but i think that's a good excuse for me to study hard, isn't it? :D

Let's see how things will go!! I'm so happy to write this in my blog! I love it a lot whenever i fill my blog w happy things! :D D'AAWWHHH!!!! XDD alkdjaljdkajldjajdjjadja!

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