Follow me
into the chrysanthemum tea ♥
あたしには あなただけよ...
Remain.
Saturday, July 16, 2011 // back to top?
I was going to go back to Singapore. I have my stuffs packed. I woke up early. I bathe n was ready to go. I figured out that i feel like vomiting and my stomach hurts a lot; but i tried to skim that feeling. i was then took a seat on the corner on my bed to remember the things i might left. But then somewhere inside of me whispered '
Don't go.'
I set my heart the day before that i really am going to Singapore this time. I assured myself that everything's going to be fine and nothing is need to be worried about. But then when the day arrives, i don't know why i have this big fear inside of me.
I tried to fight it. I really did. I forced myself to say 'It's okay, just go. Everything's going to be fine. It's only a month.' However, my feet doesn't even move a bit. My mom n dad tried to figure out what really happened to me. I can't even say sth. I don't know what to say, to be exact. I can't figure out what am i feeling.
Mom then said that she feels sick more than before, it all because of me. To be honest it kept echoing in my mind. Dad then told mom to go with me, he went inside of his room n told us that he got headache. Probably it's because of me as well. Those words somehow nailed me more that i don't even want to move a single bit. Mom kept saying and asked what happened to me; coz i was fine minutes before but then out of nowhere becomes like, mute.
I cried in silence, i can say either way that i was glad or hate it. Basically it's bcoz the other day i felt so empty yet i wanna cry so bad, so when those tears flow down onto my cheek i was like,
oh-glad-that-i-can-finally-cried but on the other side i was like
oh-fuck-why-do-i-even-cried?I thought abt cutting myself as well. I was thinking, that when mom went out of my room, i'll take a cutter n cut myself. That'd be a good way to punish myself because i became a burden to everyone. But then i thought again, that's not it. My true intention for cutting myself would be to run away. That'd be because i'm too tired in dealing with those shitty feelings that seems like has no end. But idk, maybe with she has the intuition, i mean, mom, coz by then she didn't leave my room at all. Well, sometimes when leaves but not for more than 1 minute. For the entire day she stayed in my room that i finally gave up of thinking to cut myself.
Maybe mom regretted that she said those words before to me, that i cause her to suffer. Coz then she suddenly changed her speaking tone n said 'It's okay, no one is going to be angry with you. If you don't want to go then it's fine.' and patted my head. To be honest i was craving for a hug that time, but my family were not used of hugging, therefore we just sat there awkwardly.
My brother then woke up, angry coz mom didn't properly wake him up (tho she did but he slept again). Then he asked why do i still here. Mom then replied 'She doesn't feel well.' My bro then shouted 'Only because of that!? It doesn't make sense!' and left. i hid myself under Bumpla coz i feel like crying again, but i successfully held it. The day before, he talked and joked around with me and i thought 'oh we're going to be just fine.' But because of this mistake i made, he kept distant with me for more.
I'm not sure. My grandparents kept asking abt me and keep telling my parents not to be mad at me. oh talking of which, i forgot to call em again. .. back to the topic. Before dad went to Bali for business, he told me abt the bank in Aussie, he told me to read the brochure he gave to me to make sure that i understand abt the bank. He said that if i really am going to Aussie then he'll take care of the bank in Aussie. But then right when he said 'I'm going to Bali tomorrow, to find more money so that u can go.' my heart hurts like hell. I wasted their money, didn't i? I made em suffer a lot yet i still am like this; hopeless and gloomy.
I hope, i hope hope hope n hope, someone will come into my life and make a big change towards my future. When that day come, right when i realize that the day has come, i'll head myself towards God again. Until that day come...