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into the chrysanthemum tea ♥
あたしには あなただけよ...
Figuring Out.
Saturday, July 9, 2011 // back to top?
I finally stopped going to RDI. Not that i'm done w the resign process, but i've asked the agent i used before to resign me from RDI.
Maybe it was... (
I don't think i need to mention the word 'Maybe') It was my fault. I started my lifestyle in Singapore in the wrong way. I should have not get close to many people. I should've build more walls around me to make sure i won't get hurt nor hurt anyone else. I should've taking myself far from anyone else so that i won't build up expectation too high. I should've taken Illustration as my major as well. Why didn't i noticed that there's an illustration major before? I was too blunt in making decisions; no wonder i always ended up regretting.
I didn't say the word 'i'll stop going to school' easily, esp to my parents. It hurts as well, okay? It hurts coz i can see in the eyes of my parents that
they were hurt. Because of the previous prob i had with my dad, dad becomes so often in faking his smile. Not that i'm complaining (I love to see him smiling) but i can see that he discriminate people in the way he acts. He talks nicely to everyone WHEN he's in front of me. Sometimes i figured out that when i didn't see him, he's still talking kinda 'rudely'.
Lately there were lots of problems in the factory, that my dad always came home with a 'sad' and 'tired' face (tho he always smiles, but i can see it from his eyes). There's this burden deep inside of me. Note this, i NEVER meant to hurt my parents. I want to see them happy but i don't know exactly what to do. I'm a type of person who won't do a thing if i don't like it, well, tho sometimes i have to force myself to. However this burden inside of me doesn't only keep my steps heavy, but it also torments me.
Sometimes i want em to hit me instead. I mean it. Sometimes i tried to act like a 'bad' kid and hope they'll hit me instead like how it used to happen when i was a kid. I feel like, if they release their anger to me, the pain inside of me would hurt less. But it won't happen, i guess. In such state of having a future-less possibility, it hurts me more when they treat me good. I don't know where to go; i don't even know where i am standing at.
As days passed the more i find it difficult to share my feelings towards anyone. I used to share it with friends, but i don't find it comfortable anymore. Their comments n judgement hurts me even more. I thought sharing stories will help me in feeling more ease, but in fact it doesn't. I was then tried to open up to my families as well, i don't even dare to share personal stories to em before. But then i feel like i'm pouring too much burden to my parents as well. My aunties and uncles are now becoming parents; there's no way i will interrupt their family life only because of me who seems acting like a spoiled kid. I don't even have someone to love so it doesn't counts. I pour my feelings right here; internet and drawings. That's it.
I honestly don't see the light in living anymore. But i have to bear with it. I want to find a place where i feel like i belong but i don't see, even a single small light, to be seen anywhere. So i guess i'll just sit in this darkness n wonder nothing but dreams.