Follow me
into the chrysanthemum tea ♥
あたしには あなただけよ...
So here's the story of a guy i met before in the mall w my mom. Let's call this boy Sleeve (don't ask me why i call him this xD it has special meaning LOL!) He suddenly kinda messaged me that for all this time he had a feeling that he liked me. Then we somehow met accidentally at a mall (idk where) and when he saw me, he suddenly walked towards me and grabbed my hand, dragged me out from my fam/friends. He then asked for my answer. Ugh. i can feel the way he held my hand awkwardly '-' Then i confessed to him that i liked him as well. He was like, so happy when he got that positive reply.
Okay, so it was like a cut scene coz the other part goes that somehow i was at Singapore with my whole family (even my grandparents). My mom asked me to get a machine thingy near the hotel and i went there w my friends. Sleeve then messaged me whether if we could meet. To make it short, we met at this point when i took that machine thingy. My friend suddenly said that they're going to go somewhere else as they giggled at me. I was like, so awkwarrrdd! But then he took that machine n brought that machine for me. I told him it'd be better if we go back to the hotel first to give this to my mom before we go somewhere else. I didn't realized that he held my hand as well. As we wait at the crossroad, i just realized that he held my hand for so long alr, n i was like 'w-what? wait, what??' and he laughed (adklakala;kdaskdak;) he even said some sweet things (that i will never write here coz i found it awkward~~) abt my reaction.
I can really feel the way he held my hands .__. when my hand was wet i can feel it as well too. Well then, we arrived at the hotel and i gave the machine to mom. Somehow my whole fam were at the lobby (but it feels like gathering in a living room comfortably). I can be myself when i'm with him, i talked to my fam like usual. But then i can see that he was kinda bored, so i asked my mom that i'll go with him for a while. Surprisingly, my mom n dad allowed me to go without asking whether if he's my bf or not. It was drizzling outside, so i asked mom if she got any umbrella w her (coz Sleeve didn't have one). She has 2 umbrellas but somehow they were toooo smaalllll ==;; In the end Sleeve told me we can buy when we saw some on the street and mom agreed.
The stories that came after were that i dated him for some times. The one that i rmb was that we went to a place and suddenly a small monkey 'bullied' Sleeve and i lol'd because it was so sudden and funny. Sleeve laughed too and ughhh.... (can't deny that i was smiling while typing this) it's just that i love it when i see him laughing. Then the other one... we played some kind of tennis or sth. We wore yellow t-shirt and it was a short game, yet fun (:
Oh we called each other whenever we arrived at home. He's the one who called me first. Guess i was abt to talk for real irl coz i found it soooo harrddd to let my voice out o____o;;
Idk what more to say. Those were the main points in my dreams hahas! I was abt to cry when i woke up. I woke up 3 times and quickly shut my eyes again before i assume that it was ONLY a dream. Miraculously the dream continued tho. But the 4th time i woke up i really understand that it was only a dream.
It's kinda funny how i never say i love him, but i pay attention to him whenever i saw him at school before. It wasn't something like special feeling, but since he often came to my dream, my feeling kinda changed. And i think it's funny if the reason for me to love him is becoz he's close to me in my dreams. The things he did in my dreams were so real, so him.
grrr.. such a 'weird' thing to talk abt in the noon... but then. i can't deny that i wish this dream would come true (': Personality Pattern. Wednesday, July 27, 2011 // back to top?
Passionate
You are in touch with your emotions, and sometimes you react before you think. The good news: you don't tamp down your feelings. The bad news: you sometimes say or do things that you later wish you could take back.
You do not live your life on an even keel; you do not go for long periods without experiencing some mood swings.
Aesthetic
You appreciate art, beauty, and design; you know that they are not superficial but absolutely crucial to living the good life. You have good taste, and you're proud of it. Those with a high score on the "aesthetic" trait are often employed in literary or artistic professions, enjoy domestic activities — doing things around the house — and are enthusiastic about the arts, reading, and travel.
You don't think it's pretentious to be moved by art and beauty. You're not one of those who believe it doesn't matter what something looks like as long as it does its job.
Scrupulous
You are an honest, fair person. You don't lie or cheat to get ahead. You treat others with respect and hope for the same in return.
You do not feel that you are above the rules that everyone else follows; you are definitely not willing to do whatever it takes to get ahead.
Conscientious
You feel it's important to work according to a plan and finish every task, to do things correctly and thoroughly.
You are not the kind of person who abandons a project before finishing it, or slacks off when you've lost interest.
Organized
You like to think a task through before you embark on it. If it's the slightest bit complicated, you make a list (even if it's only in your mind) and methodically work your way through it. When you have a goal in mind, you're not satisfied until you reach it.
You are not one of those people who ignore the details, and you don't understand how anyone can get anything accomplished without thoughtful planning ahead of time.
Competent
You strive to master everything you undertake. You tend to learn quickly and do not shy away from challenges.
You are not a "que sera sera" type of person, nor do you go easy on yourself when attempting to master a new skill or get a job done.
Reserved
You are somewhat shy, or at least unwilling to spend all your time socializing. With you it's true that "still waters run deep," which is why many of your acquaintances never get to know you well.
You are not always ready to talk at the drop of a hat. Whether you're in the office or at a party, you're not likely to be found gabbing away in the middle of a group of people.
Understanding
You are willing to take the time to find out what's going on with other people, especially if they're in distress. You're a good listener, you don't criticize, and you offer unbiased, respectful, honest advice when it's requested. With a high score on the "understanding" trait, it is likely that you are enthusiastic about charitable work, helping others, and making the world a better place.
You don't feel the need to impose your standards on others or say things that, even though true, cause pain.
Responsible
You fulfill your obligations and responsibilities, are true to your word, and generally obey the rules. While the majority of those who have a high score on the "responsible" trait enjoy traveling, they are usually very happy to return home — and don’t mind staying put for a while.
You're opposed to making hasty decisions, you don't insist that you're above the rules, nor do you feel compelled to color outside the lines.
Intellectual
You are thoughtful, rational, and comfortable in the world of ideas. People find you interesting to talk to. You're the living embodiment of the saying "You learn something new every day." In general, those with a high score on the "intellectual" trait are employed in such fields as teaching and research, and are enthusiastic about reading, foreign films, and classical music.
You do not avoid abstract conversation, experimenting with new ideas, or studying new things. It bores you to stick to the straight and narrow of what you already know.
Try it here LINK
Remain. Saturday, July 16, 2011 // back to top? I was going to go back to Singapore. I have my stuffs packed. I woke up early. I bathe n was ready to go. I figured out that i feel like vomiting and my stomach hurts a lot; but i tried to skim that feeling. i was then took a seat on the corner on my bed to remember the things i might left. But then somewhere inside of me whispered 'Don't go.'
I set my heart the day before that i really am going to Singapore this time. I assured myself that everything's going to be fine and nothing is need to be worried about. But then when the day arrives, i don't know why i have this big fear inside of me.
I tried to fight it. I really did. I forced myself to say 'It's okay, just go. Everything's going to be fine. It's only a month.' However, my feet doesn't even move a bit. My mom n dad tried to figure out what really happened to me. I can't even say sth. I don't know what to say, to be exact. I can't figure out what am i feeling.
Mom then said that she feels sick more than before, it all because of me. To be honest it kept echoing in my mind. Dad then told mom to go with me, he went inside of his room n told us that he got headache. Probably it's because of me as well. Those words somehow nailed me more that i don't even want to move a single bit. Mom kept saying and asked what happened to me; coz i was fine minutes before but then out of nowhere becomes like, mute.
I cried in silence, i can say either way that i was glad or hate it. Basically it's bcoz the other day i felt so empty yet i wanna cry so bad, so when those tears flow down onto my cheek i was like, oh-glad-that-i-can-finally-cried but on the other side i was like oh-fuck-why-do-i-even-cried?
I thought abt cutting myself as well. I was thinking, that when mom went out of my room, i'll take a cutter n cut myself. That'd be a good way to punish myself because i became a burden to everyone. But then i thought again, that's not it. My true intention for cutting myself would be to run away. That'd be because i'm too tired in dealing with those shitty feelings that seems like has no end. But idk, maybe with she has the intuition, i mean, mom, coz by then she didn't leave my room at all. Well, sometimes when leaves but not for more than 1 minute. For the entire day she stayed in my room that i finally gave up of thinking to cut myself.
Maybe mom regretted that she said those words before to me, that i cause her to suffer. Coz then she suddenly changed her speaking tone n said 'It's okay, no one is going to be angry with you. If you don't want to go then it's fine.' and patted my head. To be honest i was craving for a hug that time, but my family were not used of hugging, therefore we just sat there awkwardly.
My brother then woke up, angry coz mom didn't properly wake him up (tho she did but he slept again). Then he asked why do i still here. Mom then replied 'She doesn't feel well.' My bro then shouted 'Only because of that!? It doesn't make sense!' and left. i hid myself under Bumpla coz i feel like crying again, but i successfully held it. The day before, he talked and joked around with me and i thought 'oh we're going to be just fine.' But because of this mistake i made, he kept distant with me for more.
I'm not sure. My grandparents kept asking abt me and keep telling my parents not to be mad at me. oh talking of which, i forgot to call em again. .. back to the topic. Before dad went to Bali for business, he told me abt the bank in Aussie, he told me to read the brochure he gave to me to make sure that i understand abt the bank. He said that if i really am going to Aussie then he'll take care of the bank in Aussie. But then right when he said 'I'm going to Bali tomorrow, to find more money so that u can go.' my heart hurts like hell. I wasted their money, didn't i? I made em suffer a lot yet i still am like this; hopeless and gloomy.
I hope, i hope hope hope n hope, someone will come into my life and make a big change towards my future. When that day come, right when i realize that the day has come, i'll head myself towards God again. Until that day come... Pathetic. Tuesday, July 12, 2011 // back to top? i edited some parts of my blog pages :D such as the tittle and the greeting box, and in 'about' section. Since i'm kinda bored w kpop stuffs so i'm changing it into Japanese stuffs.
Anw. I'm in an effin bad mood rn. What the fuck is wrong by saying completely what my feelings are? I said those feelings in purpose of making u understand what i feel n consider more abt what should u say and what u shouldn't say. I didn't say my feelings for granted, i said that to warn u: if you continued in saying those annoying things then don't blame me for being angry.
n those people who tweet those things in order for me to read it, if it really is for me then why don't u just fucking tell me out of it? directly onto my face. dammit. Glad that i can bottled this feeling up and pour it inside my blog instead of screaming em out in front of the people. I know i'm going to say bad words n some things i didn't meant to say. That's why i prefer to type it here instead coz even if i will regret some of the things i typed here, i can delete it later on. THAT's the benefit of having your own diary.
I can broke anything around me atm, yet i know how precious things are (n since i believe everything has 'feeling') that's why i tried so hard to calm myself down. In such moment, don't ever say that you understand how i feel. How would u understand the way i feel when our heartbeat doesn't even beat at the same beat? We even have different histories and it might even affect on the way i feel right now. fuck everything.
shiiitttt why should i face such a day? i honestly feel that i'd rather have such dangerous disease, therefore i can value my life. But nah, i'm a lucky gurl who have such a healthy life and i'm blessed with lots of talents. Hello thar, u lucky girl. You have everything but u're now feeling empty. Too bad those values u have isn't enough to fulfill your empty hearts n cure those scars on ur soul.
Too bad. yea, too bad. Once in a Month. // back to top?
It's been the 7th time since 2o11 that i caught flu right when i have my period. I found out that i can barely get used to it... but still, it's way too annoying.I have no idea how much longer should i bear with it..... Brb taking another box of tissues... Figuring Out. Saturday, July 9, 2011 // back to top? I finally stopped going to RDI. Not that i'm done w the resign process, but i've asked the agent i used before to resign me from RDI.
I didn't say the word 'i'll stop going to school' easily, esp to my parents. It hurts as well, okay? It hurts coz i can see in the eyes of my parents that they were hurt. Because of the previous prob i had with my dad, dad becomes so often in faking his smile. Not that i'm complaining (I love to see him smiling) but i can see that he discriminate people in the way he acts. He talks nicely to everyone WHEN he's in front of me. Sometimes i figured out that when i didn't see him, he's still talking kinda 'rudely'.
Lately there were lots of problems in the factory, that my dad always came home with a 'sad' and 'tired' face (tho he always smiles, but i can see it from his eyes). There's this burden deep inside of me. Note this, i NEVER meant to hurt my parents. I want to see them happy but i don't know exactly what to do. I'm a type of person who won't do a thing if i don't like it, well, tho sometimes i have to force myself to. However this burden inside of me doesn't only keep my steps heavy, but it also torments me.
Sometimes i want em to hit me instead. I mean it. Sometimes i tried to act like a 'bad' kid and hope they'll hit me instead like how it used to happen when i was a kid. I feel like, if they release their anger to me, the pain inside of me would hurt less. But it won't happen, i guess. In such state of having a future-less possibility, it hurts me more when they treat me good. I don't know where to go; i don't even know where i am standing at.
As days passed the more i find it difficult to share my feelings towards anyone. I used to share it with friends, but i don't find it comfortable anymore. Their comments n judgement hurts me even more. I thought sharing stories will help me in feeling more ease, but in fact it doesn't. I was then tried to open up to my families as well, i don't even dare to share personal stories to em before. But then i feel like i'm pouring too much burden to my parents as well. My aunties and uncles are now becoming parents; there's no way i will interrupt their family life only because of me who seems acting like a spoiled kid. I don't even have someone to love so it doesn't counts. I pour my feelings right here; internet and drawings. That's it.
I honestly don't see the light in living anymore. But i have to bear with it. I want to find a place where i feel like i belong but i don't see, even a single small light, to be seen anywhere. So i guess i'll just sit in this darkness n wonder nothing but dreams.