Follow me
into the chrysanthemum tea ♥
あたしには あなただけよ...
I wish i can stop giving in.
Sunday, June 26, 2011 // back to top?
I can't sleep.
It's been the --th day since i can't sleep quite early. I admit that i'm SUPER sleepy atm but i just can't sleep coz the thoughts blocked my eyes from closing. Moreover, the room that i'm sleeping in was too hot for me. Here's the reason.
My cousins came and stayed in my house. Well, to be specific, they're sleeping in my room. I decided to sleep in the other side of my room (Hobby room) with my lil cousin n together w his mom (aka my auntie). I opened the door to let the air from my AC came in. The reason i can't turn on the AC in that room is bcoz the electricity will turns off when i turned my 2 ACs on. Therefore i have to survive in such a hot weather. But then my auntie n small cousin said that they're ok with the temperature; they even say that it's too cold alr! So i can't complain anything else coz i think it might bother em. I decided to let it be and so here i am surviving from this horrible humid weather.
I often envy my bro coz everyone in my fam respects him. No one wants him to get hurt and everyone r scared of him whenever he gets angry. Let's say, when someone wants to borrow his property, they'll ask him properly. If he says no, then they won't bother him anymore. When someone wants to borrow me something, they just took it w/o my permission. If i say no, they'll urge to borrow it from me. When i let em borrow my belongings, they mostly don't take responsibility to it; tons of my books were broken, torn, full of scribbles, etc. I know i mostly gave in whenever they broke my belongings but i do have feelings, u know. I treasure my belongings. I do get mad. But that won't make em scared like hell. Who am i anw?
Once i let my anger out when one of my cousin broke my sculpture art. I cried like hell while trying so hard not to hit him. What made it worse was my mom; she was on their side. I was like, why? But you're my mom. Shouldn't you be on my side? I was hurt here and i tried to gave in. i know she's the idol of my cousins, everyone loves her like if she's THEIR mom and not mine but still. I AM her daughter but she didn't stand on my side. So i was crying like shit the whole night yet nothing changed w the behavior of my cousins toward me. My bro might not know abt this feeling of mine, but wait, i guess he might know as well; it's just he don't give a shit abt it.
Talking abt my bro... lately i've been so distant w him. It's been abt 1 week since i last talked properly to him. I tried my best - I really did - to talk to him but he ends up the conversation w/o even answering. He went out w his friends often. Even before he went out, he always says goodbye to the whole fam but never to me. If the way i talk bothers him, then i won't talk to him. I'm sort of giving up trying my best to get closer to him. I never put an effort in our conversations. Well, sometimes i do ask him some questions tho i know he won't answer. He was so close to me. He even talked to mom, laughed w my cousins, joked w my uncle but still ignoring me.
Is it bcoz i stopped school? That he's embarrassed of me? Sometimes i do wish i'm not a part of this fam, u know. Sometimes. Only sometimes. Small chance for me to get into that thought. But i was thinking, like, maybe if i'm not here, then they'll be happier.
But it was just a useless thought, i know. I was born into this fam anw lol. there's nothing i can do w it.
So, i guess i'll spend this time to surf on the internet. Bye~