Follow me
into the chrysanthemum tea ♥
あたしには あなただけよ...
I recently am reading Herr Den Diebe (The Thief Lord) by Cornelia Funke. I haven't read even half of it but am interested w Scipio alr! Well, and Prosper too hahas! I spent 90% of the drawing process only to find out what the BG color must be...I can say this one is a fail one. I'll figure out what BG should i change it into therefore i'll back n say that i'm succeed w this art.
I WILL watch the movie as well after i read the book, then i can compare which one is nicer HAH! I loooveee Cornelia Funke's novels! So far i've read Inkheart n Drachenreiter. Gonna try to find her other novels n read it (: I wish i can stop giving in. Sunday, June 26, 2011 // back to top? I can't sleep.
It's been the --th day since i can't sleep quite early. I admit that i'm SUPER sleepy atm but i just can't sleep coz the thoughts blocked my eyes from closing. Moreover, the room that i'm sleeping in was too hot for me. Here's the reason.
My cousins came and stayed in my house. Well, to be specific, they're sleeping in my room. I decided to sleep in the other side of my room (Hobby room) with my lil cousin n together w his mom (aka my auntie). I opened the door to let the air from my AC came in. The reason i can't turn on the AC in that room is bcoz the electricity will turns off when i turned my 2 ACs on. Therefore i have to survive in such a hot weather. But then my auntie n small cousin said that they're ok with the temperature; they even say that it's too cold alr! So i can't complain anything else coz i think it might bother em. I decided to let it be and so here i am surviving from this horrible humid weather.
I often envy my bro coz everyone in my fam respects him. No one wants him to get hurt and everyone r scared of him whenever he gets angry. Let's say, when someone wants to borrow his property, they'll ask him properly. If he says no, then they won't bother him anymore. When someone wants to borrow me something, they just took it w/o my permission. If i say no, they'll urge to borrow it from me. When i let em borrow my belongings, they mostly don't take responsibility to it; tons of my books were broken, torn, full of scribbles, etc. I know i mostly gave in whenever they broke my belongings but i do have feelings, u know. I treasure my belongings. I do get mad. But that won't make em scared like hell. Who am i anw?
Once i let my anger out when one of my cousin broke my sculpture art. I cried like hell while trying so hard not to hit him. What made it worse was my mom; she was on their side. I was like, why? But you're my mom. Shouldn't you be on my side? I was hurt here and i tried to gave in. i know she's the idol of my cousins, everyone loves her like if she's THEIR mom and not mine but still. I AM her daughter but she didn't stand on my side. So i was crying like shit the whole night yet nothing changed w the behavior of my cousins toward me. My bro might not know abt this feeling of mine, but wait, i guess he might know as well; it's just he don't give a shit abt it.
Talking abt my bro... lately i've been so distant w him. It's been abt 1 week since i last talked properly to him. I tried my best - I really did - to talk to him but he ends up the conversation w/o even answering. He went out w his friends often. Even before he went out, he always says goodbye to the whole fam but never to me. If the way i talk bothers him, then i won't talk to him. I'm sort of giving up trying my best to get closer to him. I never put an effort in our conversations. Well, sometimes i do ask him some questions tho i know he won't answer. He was so close to me. He even talked to mom, laughed w my cousins, joked w my uncle but still ignoring me.
Is it bcoz i stopped school? That he's embarrassed of me? Sometimes i do wish i'm not a part of this fam, u know. Sometimes. Only sometimes. Small chance for me to get into that thought. But i was thinking, like, maybe if i'm not here, then they'll be happier.
But it was just a useless thought, i know. I was born into this fam anw lol. there's nothing i can do w it.
So, i guess i'll spend this time to surf on the internet. Bye~ Not a Deja Vu. Monday, June 20, 2011 // back to top? Okay it was all started with this boy who before often came into my dreams. I dreamed of him confessing his love to me few times tho i never had a convo w him, nor thinking of him. When i stopped going to school, i dreamed of him more often. It was like, 5 times in a row that it made me kinda scared. I met him accidentally in my English course as well, n i was like, what even...? but then since i moved, i was kinda forget abt him alr.
Then today i went to TP w mom. We went to the ATM but otw i saw someone familiar and i recognized that it was THAT boy. I automatically diverted my eyes to somewhere else but i can see that he was looking at me as well and the stare says 'I think i know her' or some sort of it. Even when we passed alr, he kept turning his head to look at me n i kept pretending that idk.
Worse is i rmb of that dream hahas. Then we went to another part of the mall, then i met him again. //sigh// Our eyes met this time but yes, i escaped that stare asap.
And, hahas, hours passed. My mom n i decided to go home coz we hv nothing else to do. We walked to the parking lot n stopped for a while to fix the shopping bags. Then suddenly someone passed us and i realized that it.was.him.again and i was like 'Mom, there he is ==;;' coz my mom was quite interested to know how he looks like. My mom was kinda 'observed' him as he went into a furniture store. Mom said, 'Maybe he went with his friends.'
'No lah, he went alone for hours.' I answered but unintentionally looked at him as well. Then we both were like 'oooooh!' coz he went into the furniture store to fetch his mom n helped her to bring the stuffs. Mom was laughing n we went to the parking lot; but his mom n himself went on the same way w us. I was like, 'Mom, hurry up!' but mom giggled n slowed down, saying, 'Lo? They're going to the same way with us, Xin.' LOL!
Okay, to make it short he went the other side of the parking lot. Inside the car, i told mom that i dreamed of him lots of times, that's why i want to escape him coz it's kinda creepy, u know. Then mom reacted, 'Ha? How come is it that coincidental? Then now u even met him so often. How come ya?' I know she acted like she doesn't know what she means. 'Maybe he followed you HAHAH!' i lol'd as well coz i know mom was trying to play prank on me hahas!
idk but i hv this urge to tell the story here hahas! coz it's kinda funny for me. By the way we get home idk y but mom talked a lot abt boyfriend n girlfriend (for my bro) that somehow i feel that sth is suspicious. //hmm//
Well, u can stop reading this if u want to (as if someone will read this) coz i'm going to tell abt one dream abt him that i rmb the most. hahas~! i'm in the mood of telling stories :D
I'll tell it kinda short and clear. So in my dream, i was in the same class w him, sitting next to him (tho he's my senior) and was in the lab. As usual we worked on laptops for our research n essay thingy, but then we both webcam w each other. Since the class was crowded, the teacher didn't recognize that we both r using webcam. It was some blah-blah thingy but then our conversation leads to 'Do you love someone?' n suddenly he turned his computer to me (so that i can see myself in the webcam) n he said 'There's the girl i love.' n i was like, WHUT? n hahas i didn't answered that coz i woke up right after that.
If it's marmut, no wonder la if i dreamed a lot abt him coz i obviously think abt him but this boy, idek. LOL!
okay i might end it rn. kkk~ it feels nice to share this kind of story in my blog. INFJ. Saturday, June 11, 2011 // back to top? Posting these points i read abt INFJ, which indirectly means: ME.
Creative, smart, focus on fantasy more than reality, attracted to sad things, fears doing the wrong thing, observer, avoidant, fears drawing attention to self, anxious, cautious, somewhat easily frightened, easily offended, private, easily hurt, socially uncomfortable, emotionally moody, does not like to be looked at, fearful, perfectionist, can sabotage self, can be wounded at the core, values solitude, guarded, does not like crowds, organized, second guesses self, more likely to support marijuana legalization, focuses on peoples hidden motives, prone to crying, not competitive, prone to feelings of loneliness, not spontaneous, prone to sadness, longs for a stabilizing relationship, fears rejection in relationships, frequently worried, can feel victimized, prone to intimidation, lower energy, strict with self.
Favored careers:
Disfavored careers:
INFJs have uncanny insight into people and situations. They get "feelings" about things and intuitively understand them. As an extreme example, some INFJs report experiences of a psychic nature, such as getting strong feelings about there being a problem with a loved one, and discovering later that they were in a car accident. This is the sort of thing that other types may scorn and scoff at, and the INFJ themself does not really understand their intuition at a level which can be verbalized. Consequently, most INFJs are protective of their inner selves, sharing only what they choose to share when they choose to share it. They are deep, complex individuals, who are quite private and typically difficult to understand. INFJs hold back part of themselves, and can be secretive.
Specific suggestions:
- Take care to listen to someone's idea entirely before you pass judgment on it. Ask questions if neccesary. Do whatever it takes to make sure that you understand the idea. Try not to begin judging anything about the idea until you have understood it entirely.
- Before you begin talking to another person, pause for a moment and look at that person. Take in that person's attitude and feelings at that moment. Be aware of the person with whom you're speaking.
- If you become upset, walk away immediately. DO NOT express anger. When you get angry, you lose. After you have calmed down, apologize for leaving and continue with what you were doing.
- Try to identify the personality type of everyone that you encounter frequently in your life. Remember that people with the Sensing preference need to be communicated with in a direct, concise manner. Speak plainly and simply with Sensors, giving "yes" or "no" answers.
- Try to be on good terms with all people, even those that you consider beneath you. Try to understand that everybody has something to offer.
Ten Rules to Live By to Achieve INFJ Success
- Feed Your Strengths! Do things that allow your brilliant intuition and service-oriented manner to flourish.
- Face Your Weaknesses! See your weaknesses for what they are, and seek to overcome them. Especially, strive to use your judgment against your internal ideas and intuitions, rather than as a means of disregarding other people's ideas.
- Talk Through Your Thoughts. You need to step through your intuitions in order to put them into perspective. Give yourself time to do this, and take advantage of discussing ideas with others. You'll find externalizing your internal intuitions to be a valuable exercise.
- Take in Everything. Don't dismiss ideas prematurely because you don't respect the person generating the ideas, or because you think you already know it all. After all, everybody has something to offer, and nobody knows everything. Steven Covey says it so well when he says: "Seek first to understand, and then to be understood."
- When You Get Angry, You Lose. Your passion and intensity are strong assets, but can be very harmful if you allow yourself to fall into the "Anger Trap". Remember that Anger is destructive to your personal relationships. Work through your anger before you impress it upon others, or you will likely find yourself alone. Disagreements and disappointments can only be handled effectively in a non-personal and dispassionate manner.
- Keep Your Eye on the Big Picture Watch out for your tendency to become obsessed with details. If you find yourself feeling very, very strongly about a small detail, take a big step back and make sure that you can still see the goal. You're not going to get there if you get mired in the details.
- Be Accountable for Yourself. Don't blame the problems in your life on other people. Look inwardly for solutions. No one has more control over your life than you have.
- Be Humble. Judge yourself at least as harshly as you judge others.
- Assume the Best. Don't distress yourself and others by dwelling on the dark side of everything. Just as there is a positive charge for every negative charge, there is a light side to every dark side. Remember that positive situations are created by positive attitudes. Expect the best, and the best will come forward.
- Relax! Do yourself a favor and learn how to effectively unwind. Get exercise and restful sleep. Take vacations. Engage in relaxing activities. Take care of yourself and your loved ones by learning to let go of your passion and intensity for a respite.
- Warm and affirming by nature
- Dedicated to achieving the ultimate relationship
- Sensitive and concerned for others' feelings
- Usually have good communication skills, especially written
- Take their commitments very seriously, and seek lifelong relationships
- Have very high expectations for themselves and others (both a strength and weakness)
- Good listeners
- Are able to move on after a relationship has ended (once they're sure it's over)
- Tendency to hold back part of themselves
- Not good with money or practical day-to-day life necessities
- Extreme dislike of conflict and criticism
- Have very high expectations for themselves and others (both a strength and weakness)
- Have difficulty leaving a bad relationship
- Most important feature of an ideal job: "Use of my special abilities."
- In national sample, highest in reporting stress associated with "Work, "Intimate relationship," "School," and "Other."
- In national sample, highest in coping with stress by "Talking to a professional."
- In national sample, ranked highest in being dissatisfied with "Marriage/intimate relationship"
- In national sample "Leisure Activities," overrepresented in "Writing" and "Appreciating art"; underrepresented in "Watching sporting events."
- Academic subjects preferred: art, English, music.
- Among highest college persisters.
- 3 top work characteristics favored in national sample: "Variety of tasks," "Clear structure," and "Independence & achievement"
- Lowest of all types in liking work environments with "Opportunities for advancement & high pay but not job security."
- In national sample, dissatisfied with "Promotions" and "Salary" in their jobs.
- With ISTPs, ranked first among all the types in using spiritual/philosophical coping resources.
- Among the 3 male types most "oblivious" to partner's dissatisfaction with the relationship.
There was a traffic that time. He was like, rather mad coz he had to wait quite a while (He loves to speed up). Then, coz i sat behind him, i can see that he was like spacing out; looking out the window. Then out of nowhere he asked, 'Xin, what was the exact reason for you to move?' I was like, speechless and let nothing out from my mouth except laughter. Glad that he then revert the conversation, we then talked abt something else while in my mind that question, honesty, kept on echoing.
Idk y but i hv to write this coz i think it's kinda special to me (hahas!) He bought a ticket of the competition for me lol~ he didn't even give me a chance to ask how much the price is. So, yea.
Okay, the story goes on. Today i went to my school to watch the school's last assembly. My 2 girl friends asked me to come, n since i was interested, i decided to come. I found out that i feel kinda happy when my old friends warmly welcomed me n hugged me when they saw that i came. But then when the assembly starts, i feel something like, surely weird.
During the awards distribution, performances, and staff's farewell, i feel sort of, lonely. I feel like everyone r moving forward. They set up their goals and they're pursuing it. Some r moving far, far away and some did their best to expand their talents and i was like, 'What am i going to do?'. I looked around n thought, i was there. When the video of Osis's camp was shown, i can spot myself over there. I can't afford myself to smile. I was there.
And now i feel out of place.
After the assembly, everyone r going back to the class to get their reports. I waited in the corridor n i'm so glad that the teachers cheerfully talked to me and asked how everything's going on. Everytime they asked 'How are you?' i always found it hard to answer 'I'm fine.' therefore i only answered it with 'i'm OK! (:'
The teacher who before supported me at his best shook my hand n asked 'How are you? Are you doing fine or well?' and i answered 'I'm doing just fine. Well, you know, it's kinda hard to get lots of friends there (in the college) coz they're doing everything individually.'
'You're right.' He answered. 'Well, at least you can now understand that you shouldn't take things too personally like what you did before.' Somehow i was a bit stunned by this sentence. Even until now i can still remember it really well the way he said that. i replayed things over n over n idk. i feel sort of torn?
And i decided to move w/o giving any info to my friends. My fault. I shouldn't regret it. If i saw my other 2 friends who are moving to Singapore n America being hugged and given such a warm farewell; hugging, crying, those 'please don't cry! we will meet again!' sayings, i shouldn't feel envy. I'm the one to decide on going suddenly. If i'm doing things on the reverse on my expectation, then DON'T expect. Okay, my fault. Nothing to be envy about.
My points in this post seems to be slanted a lot. But whatsoever. I say what i wanna say. I wonder if i can understand my own post later on. Things that Bother. Thursday, June 2, 2011 // back to top? Today i had like, a serious big-short-fight w my dad. Well it was all began with the sensitive topic for discussion in the morning (which brought me to a very very bad mood). I hate it whenever i started my day w something that bothers my mood. My dad was talking abt my 'limitation' of going overseas n i told him alr that i don't want to hear any of it; therefore i escaped to the musics while my dad kept on blabbering those speech.
Not-so-long after that speech, when my dad was going out for smoking, my mom continued talking abt my education. I told her, too, that i don't want to talk about that. In result, i was kinda mad. To avoid snapping on things i didn't mean, i didn't talk to em, like, for the whole 'journey'. We then went back to the hotel. My dad continued blabbering as i listened to my iPod and drove off to sleep.
I was hoping that when i get up, i can feel much better and am able to talk w my parents like usual. BUT, my dad started it again. He kept talking to the point i can't hold it anymore. So i speak out my thoughts. The more i speak out my thoughts, the more he raises his voice. The more he raises his voice, the more i raise mine. One thing i hate from talking w my dad is that i always ended up fighting, AND when i fight, i always end up crying. So, i was crying like mad and shouted at him while he shouted at me as well. I remembered it very well how the madness drives me uncontrollable. My hands were shaking so hard coz i tried my best to hold in the anger; which i know might even causes me to say something that i don't want to say.
But gladly this time i can say all the things which i think does make-sense for me. So i won't regret for saying those things. Well, but then i escaped from the hotel. Oh n i forgot to say, my dad was crying as he 'screamed' at me. i don't know what was my mom doing, i wasn't looking at her. I've said this before, when i break someone's heart, i break mine much more. it hurts like super hurts to the extend like killing myself. N so, yea, i escaped from the hotel. I crashed my SIM card so that they won't be able to contact me (all people); i'm going to buy new one soon. i ended up going back to Toa Payoh, which i think is such a childish decision and i hate myself for making such a shallow decision.
My dad is going to go back tomorrow n he told mom to stay and accompany here. They told me that it's better (in a tone of a MUST) for me to go back too for a while as i think of my decision. So tomorrow i'm going to get a ticket for mom n i and soon will go back to our country. idk when will i be able to go back to Singapore but... idec atm.
Oh i forgot to say, i 'finally' fail the lessons of VC this term. This week is the 4th time i absent from the class. Mom told me to hold on until December, but wait, DECEMBER? like, 6 more months?? no. i don't think i can hold on. I'm going to make a decision super fast and i hope, too, super-accurate. hahas.
Another note, this has been the 6th month since i 'bleed'. lol. haven't tell anyone abt it (i mean, what actually is bleeding) but i guess i won't tell anyone until it rlly hurts me. coz it's kinda scary, i guess, n bet the treatment won't be easy so... yea ==;;