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into the chrysanthemum tea ♥
あたしには あなただけよ...
The Monster is still There.
Thursday, May 26, 2011 // back to top?
Well then, i guess the monster stays still under my bed, is it? I just had a talk w a psychologist today and so...
Yea, it's just another monster who loves it a lot to stay under my bed and went out only when everything seems to be alright. By then it drags me onto the past and holding me until then i can escape it by looking at the sunrise.
When everything seems alright, they'll come back to get me.
Past, Burden and Hope.
Sunday, May 8, 2011 // back to top?
First of all, thank God there r not many people who knows abt my blog so i can keep it close to private hahas!
Well, so i had this talk w my friend; happiness, past, future and God.
I was like... i don't really sure how can i say this straight, but i feel both guilty and sad. This friend i knew have always been a great and cheerful friend. I know she has worse pasts but i adore how she's able to make it thru until now. To see her, is to see the year-ago me. Our POVs are almost the same and i know exactly how she feels when she says she's empty and don't want to experience happiness anymore.
I once was like that. i don't want to feel happiness coz i know it will hurts me for more. She's a childhood friend of mine. To be surprised, i bring a huge changes to her life. Her parents once kinda hated me because i 'changed' their daughter. I didn't mean to change her; it's just that since we're friends, then my hobby kinda affected her. What makes me even surprised, is that whenever her parents said bad things about me, she always be on my side and never let anyone says anything behind my back. Tbh, i feel so happy, yet, so guilty.
She passed too many bad things in her life. Her family somehow didn't respect her and is harsh to her, yet because of me she got 'scolded' even more. It's not the matter that i don't want people to say anything bad about me, but i prefer them to keep saying bad things about me and give happiness to my friend instead. When i heard about her stories deeper, i feel like crying. I wanna comfort her but i don't know what to say. I kept asking God about what to say during the heart-to-heart conversation but i can't figure out what to say. I know i can't change her but i know God can. He's my only hope and i hope she will be able to feel happiness soon.
I actually have so much more to say about my worry about her, but idk if it makes any help if i only type it here. I personally think that she's really strong. When i had problems like her, i seriously can't cheer up like what she always did around the people she's with. She 'fake' her sadness and fear into happiness, which is, sad. My heart ache so bad right now; i'm always around her but i never understand her. i KNOW she's sad but i didn't make an effort to make her happy; instead, i might even make her down for more.
I hate myself for this. I wish i know what to say in the right occasion and know what to do in the right time. I beg God that she'll get what she wants and what's the best for her in the future, asap.
sigh. i feel so hurt whenever i become someone else's burden. when people get hurt because of me, sacrificing something important to them because of me, being too good to me, my heart feels so HURT even more. So effin hurt that i feel like i want to cry. Not that i hate it when people are good to me, i just feel like, i don't really like it. idek. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO MY MIND!? Don't be good to me, be good to others who need it more than i did. When people take consequences for something that i did, i feel like i wanna hurt myself as much as that consequences is. I don't want to become a burden to anyone else. never.
Probably that's the reason why i love solitude. maybe.
Wow, i feel like my topic has changed slightly. HAH! but anw, that's what inside my mind rn so i feel like pouring that out hahas!