Follow me
into the chrysanthemum tea ♥
あたしには あなただけよ...
Awaken up.
Monday, March 28, 2011 // back to top?
It has been 3 days since I came to my hometown. idk why but i act really weird since i arrived here. I feel like i've become who i used to be before i came to Singapore; those old useless thoughts came back to my mind and i started to feel weary and lifeless.
I behaved so bad towards my family. i kept saying that i regret that i came home. it's useless to be here; my brother didn't talk to me, my mom n dad quarrel all the time, people didn't greet me and else. i feel like being unwelcome.
Idk why, too, that i became so sensitive. Whenever people said that i gained weight, i became mad and filled with envious. I told my mom that she's a liar because she said i looked just fine while 5 other people said that i look different; that i gained weight and i shouldn't keep gaining weight because i'm a girl. I honestly can't believe it that gaining weight is a bad thing? i mean, i'm not even in the obesity level yet! People gives some sort of expectation that they want me to be what they want to see. It makes me depressed and sad and mad and... anything except happy thingy. What makes it worse is that it makes me hate myself even more! they stole my confidence away and killed it!!
Well, anyway, today is the worse. i forgot what was the first thought that invites me to dive deeper to the worse thoughts. The thought of death came back to my mind. I was alone right when i think of that word. i planned things, i imagine things, n idk. all i know is that i was blind in minutes. but then suddenly, one of my kpop stuff fell down (tho there's no wind or else), i was quite surprised and stay silent. But then, i tried to skim that thing out and continue with my bad thought. guess what happens? ALL of my Kpop stuffs fell down. and POP! suddenly it opens my eyes, wide, and clear. I stood up and i got goosebumps. The song 'Dengan SayapMu' plays directly in my mind and i remembered how great the feeling of being blessed was. i quickly open the door and looked at those goods on my floor. Something speaks inside of me. i believe it was Jesus.
To think once more, i feel like i really am stupid. i forgot all of those graze i've got from God only because of people's words. i took people's words as something that 'kill' me instead of 'constructing' me. I was wrong about the thought that my mom is a liar; i should've said that she accept me just the way i am, she doesn't expect a thing from me; she lets me to be myself and she's okay with it. I really was wrong. idk why did i thought that she's a liar. sigh.
I listened to lots of worship songs and somehow it release my anxiousness and madness. i feel so relieved and somehow, happy. i was fooled by the past. sigh. i must be careful for more rn or else i'm going to get tripped again. but thanks God, you lift me up just before i fell (: i will think more of my strength rather than weakness :D it's a fool of me, too, that i tried to make people 'realize' and 'figured out' about my values, it's like... well, seeking for praise from others. i should stop this habit of mine and try to do what i'm best at to praise God's name higher instead :D
GO GO XINDI! XD