あたしには あなただけよ...

テレビに映っていた場所は（青空がきれいだった）
今でも何処かにあって（早く　見つけてほしい）
涙こらえながら
現実に迷いながら
探しているの　次のドアを・・・
F i n d m e

Xindi. ( Art is my life ) twenty twelve nineteen ninety three.
I believe in fairy tales and dreams. I believe they're meant to be true in my life..

Awaken up.
Monday, March 28, 2011 // back to top?

It has been 3 days since I came to my hometown. idk why but i act really weird since i arrived here. I feel like i've become who i used to be before i came to Singapore; those old useless thoughts came back to my mind and i started to feel weary and lifeless.

I behaved so bad towards my family. i kept saying that i regret that i came home. it's useless to be here; my brother didn't talk to me, my mom n dad quarrel all the time, people didn't greet me and else. i feel like being unwelcome.

Idk why, too, that i became so sensitive. Whenever people said that i gained weight, i became mad and filled with envious. I told my mom that she's a liar because she said i looked just fine while 5 other people said that i look different; that i gained weight and i shouldn't keep gaining weight because i'm a girl. I honestly can't believe it that gaining weight is a bad thing? i mean, i'm not even in the obesity level yet! People gives some sort of expectation that they want me to be what they want to see. It makes me depressed and sad and mad and... anything except happy thingy. What makes it worse is that it makes me hate myself even more! they stole my confidence away and killed it!!

Well, anyway, today is the worse. i forgot what was the first thought that invites me to dive deeper to the worse thoughts. The thought of death came back to my mind. I was alone right when i think of that word. i planned things, i imagine things, n idk. all i know is that i was blind in minutes. but then suddenly, one of my kpop stuff fell down (tho there's no wind or else), i was quite surprised and stay silent. But then, i tried to skim that thing out and continue with my bad thought. guess what happens? ALL of my Kpop stuffs fell down. and POP! suddenly it opens my eyes, wide, and clear. I stood up and i got goosebumps. The song 'Dengan SayapMu' plays directly in my mind and i remembered how great the feeling of being blessed was. i quickly open the door and looked at those goods on my floor. Something speaks inside of me. i believe it was Jesus.

To think once more, i feel like i really am stupid. i forgot all of those graze i've got from God only because of people's words. i took people's words as something that 'kill' me instead of 'constructing' me. I was wrong about the thought that my mom is a liar; i should've said that she accept me just the way i am, she doesn't expect a thing from me; she lets me to be myself and she's okay with it. I really was wrong. idk why did i thought that she's a liar. sigh.

I listened to lots of worship songs and somehow it release my anxiousness and madness. i feel so relieved and somehow, happy. i was fooled by the past. sigh. i must be careful for more rn or else i'm going to get tripped again. but thanks God, you lift me up just before i fell (: i will think more of my strength rather than weakness :D it's a fool of me, too, that i tried to make people 'realize' and 'figured out' about my values, it's like... well, seeking for praise from others. i should stop this habit of mine and try to do what i'm best at to praise God's name higher instead :D

GO GO XINDI! XD

#100factsaboutme
Monday, March 21, 2011 // back to top?

After looking at the top trending topic of the day; which is #100factsaboutme , i decided to post what i've tweeted here.

Will keep updating!

100 Facts about Me :

1. i wanna see shooting stars.
2. i can hardly refuse to help someone. is that a weakness or strength? lol!
3. i love playing under the rain but i have weak health; which means i get easily sick after i got wet.
4. i love natures esp flowers like sunflowers, snowdrops, lily-of-the-valley, etc. i love to find out the meaning of flowers.
5. i love the sky so much; either night and day. I love everything in the sky.
6. the reason i h8 make up : coz i often touch my face unintentionally n it ruins everything LOL! i look bad w it anw.
7. i honestly hate to cry in front of the people. if i do, then it means i can't hold it anymore.
8. saying 'i love you', 'i care about you', and 'i need you' to the person i talked about is a weakness to me.
9. i love writing letters; but somehow don't have the courage to send it.
10. i often regretted that i've said A instead of B and thought 'I should've said this instead of that'
11. i never wear a ring on my ring finger coz it's a reserved place for my future soulmate's ring gift (;
12. I love maths n honestly I miss learning more of it. I feel my math skill is decreasing lately.
13. my fav fictional charas are: Roxas, Kazehaya Shouta, Klonoa, Yoshi, Luigi, Donald Duck, Kirby, Chocobo, Yamato, ...etc :D
14. i hate being compared to anyone else.
15. i love dreams. i keep dream logs to be filled for every interesting dreams.
16. i love bokeh lights.
17. i love playing guitar tho i know i'm not THAT good at it :D at least i enjoy playing it.
18. Harvest Moon, Rhapsody: A Musical Adventure and Kingdom Hearts 2 are the best games i ever played.
19. I sleep whenever my mood goes worse and terrible.
20. i hate sneezing.
21. i found it REALLY hard to stop expecting something.
22. I talk to myself; inside out.
23. i'm scared 'enough' to show who i am because it causes troubles to lots of people.
24. i am so crazy abt Kim Jonghyun and idk if that's a good or bad thing.
25. i really wish i had a big brother;it sounds rlly fun :D i'm tired of being the oldest.
26. i don't like guys with too much big muscles.
27. i used to be one of the "active" basketball players.
28. i used to hate it for being a girl ( well, sometimes i still kinda 'hate' it tho xD )
29. i am always tempted to write on the dewy mirror.
30. I love Bumpla. He 'hugs' me whenever i was sad and he listens to me whenever i'm happy. My forever beloved doll! XD
31. i used to hate it whenever it comes to my birthday.
32. idk why but my heart beats faster whenever i'm trying to cut a meatball w spoon ONLY.
33. I love kappa (Japanese mystical creature). Well, the cute version tho :D
34. out of Disney characters, I feel like Peter Pan is the one that symbolize me the most.
35. i'm an impatient type. i want everything to be done in instant (mostly)
36. 
    

Dream Log.
// back to top?

Last night i dreamed about SHINee; well i didn't think of em even once yesterday (i guess) but i dreamed abt em instead. (not that i hate it tho; it's just that i wonder where does the thought of that dream comes from)

So, i was like, inside a mall by myself and i was planning to go to a stationary store. But then on the way to the store, i saw SHINee in the process of photoshoot. I was like 'Oh My God!! It's SHINee!!!' then Key, Jonghyun and Onew walked away from the photoshoot, seems like they're going to buy something.

I don't want to be one of the annoying fans who stalked em n scream when i saw em or etc; so instead i walked a bit far from em while i kept looking at em before we separate path (luckily there's no fans who recognize em at that time ;; how could that be anw? ==;; )

Suddenly, i figured out that they're going to the same store as me! Which means, i got the chance to talk to em! i hurriedly go inside too and asked em 'Excuse me, are you all busy?'
but sadly, they all answered without hesitant 'Oh yes, we're VERY busy', even more, without looking at me. i was kinda sad but i tried not to give up.

i tried to explain, 'No, i'm not going to stalk you or something, i just wanna ask you something.'

But then Jonghyun looked at me and said, 'Sorry, but i'm busy.' then he walked out the store. i was like, so sad coz he's my bias anw.

However! Key and Taemin (idek why Onew becomes Taemin here) said to me, 'Oh, alright then, i'll listen to you.' They smiled and said that in English! (Key was the main talker here)

I got my mood boosted up and told em 'I have a fanart book for you guys, but i don't bring it right now. Can you please wait a while so that i can get it for you?'

Key then smiled and nodded 'Why not? Our photoshoot still takes for hours anyway.'

Taemin then added, 'Sure, can't wait to get it!' and u have no idea how happy i was that i'm able to get it for em! XD okay well, my SHINee dream only got into that part ==;; but still, can't deny that am happy :D kkk~

The next dream was that i met lots of Korean ulzzang and they were so fjasdjlgjalgjagjljgasgjla !!! XD

Can't deny that i LOVE the dream i had last night. I had the thought of 'I have to get my fanart book!' when i just awaken; but then when i realized that it was all a dream, i was like ...... WHY!? D:

sigh. i hope it's a good fortune by which means that i can give my fanart book asap to SHINee ^^

Consider.
Sunday, March 20, 2011 // back to top?

I'm back from the Youth Camp! It was super fun (:
I've been blessed for the whole 3 days, can't believe that it's going to be so much fun! ^^ well, it's too fun that it makes me feel kinda weird when i got back to Singapore.

Today i went to the church but somehow there's something i can't explain with my feeling; i feel there's something different and i feel kinda weird.
I mean, we've been close during the camp and i thought that we're going to be closer for more starting from today onwards, but i kinda feel something like, a gap? Not sure what is it tho.
I found it more comfortable to be a bit quiet? I was thinking like, should i take few steps behind again? Or should i behave like how i actually is?

However, to be honest i feel so happy when someone in my church came to me when the sermon was done. He greeted me and asked 'So, you're actually loves to talk?' and i was like, laughing and nodded. He laughed too and said that it's great that i loves to talk. But to be honest - too - i feel like i can't fit into the jokes. I can laughed whenever people in the church said something, but i can't bring up the atmosphere whenever it's my turn to talk. Oh God, i beg You please to burn me up once more ): i don't want to feel miserable. it's scary for me. i miss the happy feeling and spirit i hv during the camp. it was fantastic.

I hope i can gain the spirit back to life. I don't want the things i've got from the camp comes out as only a waste LOL!

oh and another thing, idk y lately i keep thinking abt boyfriend? LOL! i shouldn't be too eager about it but i can't help to think about it. I know God has the BEST plan for my love life, i have to be patient more that how i used to be. Well to be honest i ALMOST have a new crush but... nah. after a few days i realized that i got the wrong signal. phew. glad that i didn't go too far yet. So, yeaph, i have no crush. I actually miss the feeling of to be in love. i wish i'm in love hahas. But somehow i sort of having, a pessimist side; i feel like there's no one is going to love me ==;;
i feel like even if i love someone, he's not gonna love me back. sigh. i shouldn't be pessimist. i gotta believe more and more and MORE to God :D

idrk why am i talking like this LOL~ but. so. yea.

Omen?
Wednesday, March 16, 2011 // back to top?

I srsly have no idea what to blog about, but i rlly want to blog sth o__o

hm. okay, guess i'm gonna talk about the thought i hv recently, like, every night.
I always ended up coming to think about the doomsday. I don't know when will it be (well, i believe no one knows except God Himself) but i feel like it's getting closer. Yes, of course, i'm scared only to think of it. But somehow i don't want the world to end soon.

I am so grateful that i was born in 90s coz that way i can feel the changes of era. You know, like the games, electronics, everything we have when we were children and what we have when we're being a teenager, they're all changed. I feel so lucky that i can feel those changes, but deep inside, i feel sort of sad too.

Those changes are kind of...scary? is that the exact word to describe? idk. Honestly i feel being in the 'innocent' era like 90s is fun. The games and shows are somehow more fun and i can feel that within that simplicity life, i feel happy. Sometimes i wish i was born earlier, that i don't have to face the end of the world this fast (Okay i'm not telling that the end of the world is like, next year or this year, sort of sth like that, it's just IF the end of the world is coming soon for real, then... yea). Oh God, before i die i want to live my life to the fullest ): i haven't got the experience to work yet, being in love, having 'appropriate' boyfriend (HAH!), seeing shooting stars, traveling the world, try to work on a farm like in New Zealand, being one of the famous illustrator/artist in Deviantart n net, etc etc etc. i have lots of dreams, that i often thought myself as an eager person, but i want to experience those things. Is the world's end really coming soon? )''':

Recently i have lots of doomsday dream, and it scares me, really. i dreamed there's a big flood in Singapore, just like what we heard from Noah's story. n suddenly everyone around me were gone, i was left, like, almost alone. then someone gave me a chance to go back in time. oh you have no idea how glad i was to see all of those missing people! The feeling when you open all the rooms and found out that everyone's not there, gone without a trace. wow, it gives me goosebumps only to think of it.

and i had a dream of doomsday too, when i saw the sky gets so dark and there were like... 7 angels? coming from the sky? and someone said to me it was about the time to have a 'war' and i was so scared. the wind blew so hard and i was somewhere in a building. i saw an angel from the building, so close to me, and it has... lots of wings. i forgot the exact amount tho. And lastly i saw God. idk why but i asked 'God, are you alright?' and He smiled at me and join those angels. then someone told me to go down from the building. The building is somehow broken alr, which is why i can feel the strong wind too.

Ah, i can't remember the other thing about doomsday dream but i had those 2. i have no idea whether it's bcoz i think too much or... okay guess it yourself.

But i somehow feels so grateful that i moved to Singapore, or less i'll keep escaping from God ):
i'll try slowly to bring all of my family members to God too (esp my bro n dad) i wanna see my whole family in heaven when the time comes (either doomsday or 'death' but no, i don't want us to die soon ==;; u know what i mean lah, i got confused myself)

i guess that's it. i feel like i bubbled too many things here LOL! i should go n work on my homeworks rn.

힘 겹 지 않 아 요



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