あたしには あなただけよ...

テレビに映っていた場所は（青空がきれいだった）
今でも何処かにあって（早く　見つけてほしい）
涙こらえながら
現実に迷いながら
探しているの　次のドアを・・・
F i n d m e

Xindi. ( Art is my life ) twenty twelve nineteen ninety three.
I believe in fairy tales and dreams. I believe they're meant to be true in my life..

Day 5.
Sunday, December 19, 2010 // back to top?

Pick a song that projects the same mood as your day or week and explain.

I guess it’s going to be I’ll Try by Jonathan Brooke, which is an OST of Peter Pan. Well, basically I didn’t stop believing. I believe in such thing as faith, trust and pixie dust. Different is, I’m growing up; and I can hardly holding on for these miraculous imaginative things which I bet most of you think it’s way too childish. I've been thinking about this for the whole week; about growing up, changes in life and so on. Anyway, I read this quote by this week:

“But I’m warning you! Once you’re grown up, you can’t come back.” – Peter Pan

And I feel like tearing down when I saw this. I hate growing up. Same thing goes when I watched Narnia. Peter, Susan, Edmund and Lucy are growing up; once they’re grown up, they can’t go back to Narnia. Believe me I even cried when they’re at the farewell. I really really hate by what is called growing up (honestly) but I don’t want anyone to judge me for something I believe.

“My whole world is changing, now I don’t know where to turn. I can’t leave you waiting, but I can’t stay and watch this city burn.”

I’m going to be 17 tomorrow and I feel screwed up. People say that being 17 years old is when you’ve turned completely into teenagers. Get over with fantasies! You’re living in a real world! I hate those words people keep on telling me.

I like it how the lyric in the song: “I’m too old to believe all these childish stories; there’s no such thing as faith and trust and pixie dust”

Changed into: “I can finally see it, now that I have to believe all these precious stories; all the world is made of faith and trust and pixie dust” in the end. It builds up my hope.

Is it okay to be forever a child at heart?

Day 4.
Saturday, December 18, 2010 // back to top?

What do you think it means to be in love?

For me, to be in love means to feel happy, too happy that it made you hurt. In love means you’re having a phenomenon (?) that you’re willing to be hurt only to make the one you love, happy. In love means you’ve understood how to accept someone from the bad to the good; it’s just like you’ve met someone flawless. In love means you’ve targeted the center of your life; it’s like when you’ve seen a sun when you’re a sunflower, you’ll end up focusing on that one thing that gives you a bittersweet feeling to the core of your heart. ‘In love’ doesn’t always end up with a human, it can be in love with words, smells, silence, dream, and everything inside this world can be loved; in which means, in love can be a form of acceptance, appreciation, obsession and addiction.

Unique is, everyone has their own version of ‘in love’. Some says in love is a bad thing, some says in love is a good thing; it actually doesn’t matter, people define their own feeling depends on their personalities. Sadly, ‘in love’ can change in time. Once ‘in love’, later might ended up with rejection and forgetting. In love is challenging; scary, thrilling yet might brings you to a next stage of life. There’s nothing wrong if you want to try it once or more in life though~ (I actually can go on and on talking about ‘in love’ in my own version, but I’m afraid that I’ll ended up talking crap.)

Day 3.
Friday, December 17, 2010 // back to top?

Where have you been spending your time lately? Three/Five/Ten years ago would you have expected to be there?

Lately I’ve spent my time staying at… home? LOL! I’ve spent lots and lots of my time sitting in front of my desk and computer, tumblr-ing, twitter-ing, youtube-ing and so on.

Well, three years from now; which mean that I’ve done with my art study, I will come back to this place (for sure, it’s my home anyway) but I don’t think I’ll expect it to be there. Five and ten years from now on, I hope I can get some suitable jobs for me, I’ll try to live on my own and if possible, stay somewhere outside of this country. My families hope that I’ll go back home after I got a job, but deep inside I wish I can live in a place where I feel like ‘this is where I belong’, sth like that.

But I won’t neglect my family, of course. They’re my home but there got to be a place where I belong besides family. Get what I meant?

So probably I might be here three/five/ten years from now but I won’t expect to stay here, like, forever.

Day 2.
Thursday, December 16, 2010 // back to top?

Who are you? In comparison to whom you used to be. What made you change?

My real name is Cindy, but I use my mandarin name, Xindi, instead because I don’t like a common name. I was really really talkative. I had huge curiosity that I wanted to bug into someone else’s conversation, asking them about what they’re talking about without in fear of being hated.

I could easily get along with new people, I was friendly but some people said my appearance wasn’t friendly enough. I used to wish that I was a boy. I act like a boy and I dressed like a boy, but I never cut my hair too short. I like to be friends with boys instead of girls because the feeling of being so carefree about what I say and being who I am isn’t a matter if I’m with boys.

That was me years and years ago. Everything’s changed.

I talk less than how I used to be; I fear people will hate me or judge me by the things I’m talking about. I’m not interested at other’s conversation anymore; that’s their business, not mine, so I guess I won’t waste my time thinking about other people’s thought because no matter what I say, they’re not gonna change their mind anyway (mostly).

Social is one of my main problems. I can hardly make new friends because I’m scared of being betrayed. I’m not that close with my boy friends anymore because of some reasons, well, probably because stereotype has took over the ‘carefree’?

What makes me changed was comments, and how people treated me. People judged me for who I AM and one by one said that they hate me. I thought I can be careless about these useless comments but deep inside, it made me changed. I’m afraid that people will disappointed when they knows the real me (either by appearance and characters). I was trying to be honest but what I said often ended up hurting some people. So I decided to hide who I really am. I can reveal the true me if there’s someone I can trust is willing to accept me who I am.

I kinda miss the old me, but I must say that I’ve improved lots of skills these days. I should be proud for who I am rn.

Day 1.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010 // back to top?

What happened today? If it was the last day of your life, how satisfied would you be with your final hours?

Basically there’s nothing special happened today. I stayed at home for the whole day. Waking up, taking a bath, eat breakfast, making some crafts, and that’s it. It keeps repeating. I’ve been like this for the whole 5 months, waiting for other changes in life. Conclusion is, today is another boring day. Really boring.

If today is my last day, I won’t be surprised; instead I’d find it a bit funny. I’ve wanted to die for so many times n tried to suicide yet I’ll die without there even warnings or an attempt to die. Lol! Okay, back to the topic. If today is my last day then I won’t be satisfied, at all. I wanted to do lots of things in life, like travelling around the world, get a boyfriend, mastering 5 languages and else; there are still so many things I can and will achieve. I haven’t lived my life to the fullest, and if it’s going to be my ‘game over’ tonight… I don’t know, I might roam in this world since I haven’t feel satisfied in living.

And I haven’t got the chance to tell my families, and friends about how much I love them. I haven’t got the chance to tell them the truths how they have hurt and made me happy. Sadly, I can hardly show affection because affection is a weakness for me; especially for the one I love the most. I can never tell ‘I love you mom and dad!’ because it feels like a shame to me. I know I shouldn’t think this way but I can never tell them until I-don’t-know-when.

So, yea, I won’t let today becomes my last day. There are still many things I’ve got to do.

Deep Thoughts : 30 Days Challenge
// back to top?



Me = Jong
Saturday, December 11, 2010 // back to top?



Color Test - Psychology Quiz
Thursday, December 9, 2010 // back to top?

I was kinda bored, so i decided to take a psychology quiz on the net. I found an interesting quiz by THIS link n here's the result: (I'm deciding to share it here since the result is soooo accurate o__o which unintentionally made me thrills yet amazed)

Color Test - Results

Your Existing Situation

"Needs a peaceful and quiet environment. Desires an affectionate and faithful partner who will spoil her and treat her with importance. If she feels mistreated or a lack of attention, she may withdraw."

Your Stress Sources

Tries to hold back her normal enthusiastic and imaginative self in fear that she may get carried away by it and chase after unrealistic goals. Feels betrayed and used and is staying emotionally distant to keep others from hurting her more. her is distrusting and suspicious of the actions and intentions of other people.

Your Restrained Characteristics

"His desire to avoid open conflict and tension forces her to put her desires on hold, even though she is feeling restrained and uneasy."

"Feels she is carry more than her share of problems. she is flexible and laid back, sticking to her goals and working to overcome any difficulty."

Feels trapped in a helpless situation and is desperately seeking relief. she is able to find pleasure and happiness in sexual activity.

"Insists her hopes and ideas are realistic and achievable, but needs encouragement and support. her self-centeredness can cause her to take things too personally."

"Feels trapped in a helpless situation and is desperately seeking relief. she is able to find pleasure and happiness in sexual activity, as long as there is not a lot of conflict or emotional difficulty."

Your Desired Objective

Is in need of immediate rest and relaxation. Longs for peace and a sense they are understood. Feels she has been treated unfairly which makes her angry. Cannot stand to stay in an environment in which she is treated unfairly and with no consideration for her feelings.

Your Actual Problem

Disappointed because her hopes have not come to pass and she fears coming up with new goals will only lead to further disappointment. These conflicting emotions lead to a feeling of anxiety and depression. she tries to escape into a peaceful and calm relationship which offers encouragement and protection from further disappointment.

Your Actual Problem #2

"Tends to be too trusting, so she must protect herself from this or she runs the risk of being misunderstood or used by others. Searching for a relationship which provides a safe and understanding environment, one where she knows exactly where she stands with her partner at all times."

Try and take the quiz :D idk if that would work on u, but yea, it works on me LOL! ♥

Upcoming Birthdays
Wednesday, December 8, 2010 // back to top?



Today's Arts
// back to top?




Yesterday.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010 // back to top?

I had marathon of watching Narnia and Unstoppable yesterday.

Narnia. oh dammit i need Susan and Peter ;___; u have no idea how the hell u made me cry when they got to go for farewell. i was like: WHUT? u mean when we grow up we CAN’T be in Narnia anymore? it’s like… hey you’re growing up, so shut your fantasy world and you’re belong in reality. n i was like WTH!? i don’t want to grow up. EVER. i still believe in fantasies for whatsoever you say.

the soundtrack. ugh. kills me ♥ i’m lovin it so much. There’s a place for us by Carrie Underwood

and Unstoppable. IF you don’t have any heart attack disease, then do as i say, WATCH IT! it’s a must watch ♥ lolz! so it’s kinda funny how the 1st movie made me cry like hell and the second made my heart goes up and down coz it’s way too thrilling! TTATT but nah, it’s not sth scary, believe me (: it’s about train literally LOL! omg. what is life .__.

i’m a big fan of Narnia. Hahas! i don't want them to hv any farewell. Aslan y r u doing this to us...?! .__.

What i have...
Saturday, December 4, 2010 // back to top?

...In my mind:

• canceling my bday party
• canceling my bday party
  
• canceling my bday party
  
• canceling my bday party
  
• canceling my bday party
  
• canceling my bday party
  
• canceling my bday party
  
• canceling my bday party
  
• canceling my bday party
  
• canceling my bday party
  
• canceling my bday party

end.

She said: i wuffles you more~ :DD ♥
Friday, December 3, 2010 // back to top?

yunheeinshineeland made my day. I lop u gurl ;_____; ♥

err.. i'd like to show u the GIF she gave to me but since blogger sucks, it doesn't cooperate with GIFs, then... lol! i'll just save it in mah tumblr~ ♥

Countdown
Wednesday, December 1, 2010 // back to top?

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